This year I am delivering another Pride speech, a privilege no doubt. But its different this year, I am having difficulty. I've written about 40 handwritten pages of speech parts and nothing flows right. I've typed up dozens of drafts and nothing, so far, has the impact I want. Its a scary feeling.
I don't want to let our community down and it makes me nervous. No amount of "you'll do fines" is gonna subdue the inner turmoil I have about it either. Truthfully it makes me panic more because that means they have faith in me, they expect me to prevail. But if everyone knew the absolute terror I have inside me right now, they would have a lot less faith. I am having such a hard time concentrating that I struggle to write at all, unless its for this blog. Which I don't quite understand.
Obviously I've put to much pressure on myself. This means something to me though, its important to me. No, vital. Its one of the most important moments in my life thus far, top 10 for sure. All of my heroes will be there to watch, all of my friends, people that I have a chance to make them believe in the power of social change. People I have a chance to prove to that I am more than a criminal act once upon a time, that I've changed.
But so far all I have is 900 posts and a introduction. Neat.
The good news is I've been under more pressure. I will deliver a great Pride speech, I will leave everything I got on the table this June and its going to inspire change in this world. Not because I'm arrogant enough to believe I'm capable but because I I'm dumb enough to believe its my calling.
Ohh...I could be a real idiot, guess we will find out June 21st.