Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Destined For A Great Cause Or Simply Bored: A Self Reflection While Uninspired

At the moment I am sitting in my prison cell under a pink sheet and light blue fleece blanket. I call it my perch because I am on the top bunk, usually nestled in. Its my temporary safety spot. In this little nest of mine I stare out my window and let my mind race. 

My mind seems to not shut off. Maybe I have a lot on my mind, maybe its eating carbs to late, I haven't decided which. I think about my goals and current projects and mostly try to convince myself I should keep trying to get them done. There's just one problem, nobody truly believes in me but me.

I say that with careful thought. To say you believe in someones cause is easy. Yeah, wanting to end human caused violence is a worthy cause, check. Almost nobody disagrees with that. But true belief is action based. 

So I've spent years developing a plan, now I'm closer than ever before to a real solution. I have a plan that can make a significant differences in the lives of the community. I have a few people to talk to about it, only one who can actually help (by sending in articles and books to not only educate me but to sometimes challenge me, thank you!), and besides that one person sending me educational materials its just me. There's nobody to even talk to about it, let alone help.

This leaves me in my little perch thinking about the realities of my situation. I seem to be the only one who actually believes in me. Now, either I'm delusional, just plain stupid, or a visionary. 

Okay, maybe that's too narrow minded, but that's what I'm contemplating at this very moment. Whether or not I believe in me enough to continue on alone. I could easily just concentrate on less humanitarian based causes and release from prison, find a job, go to college. Be a normal person. Nobody would really care, well, they'd care as much as they do right now. Silently and seemingly impatiently waiting for me to simply stop talking so they can move on without being rude. 

Nobody would really blame me if I did that. Nobody except me. I don't know how else to makeup for my crime, which I can never do, but I know what led me to do it and I can prevent others from doing it. Except, nobody seems to be to terribly interested in that. Weird.

Perhaps I trudge on despite my isolation because I'm destined to make a real impact. Maybe I'm just bored with to much time on my hands. Only time will tell. I'd ask for advice, but everyone stays silent. I got the hint, be quiet, stay in prison, do you. We'll see...

With Love
Jeff 

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