Monday, June 5, 2017

Torn In Two: My Masculinity Is Getting On My Nerves

Coming to terms with myself has meant discarding many of my "beards." I have worked very hard to just be happy with who I am, not who people expect me to be. 

Recently, I have felt powerless. So I started lifting weights to feel like I was at least doing something. Something to not make me feel so weak. After I was assaulted at my last prison I realized how vulnerable I was. I hate that feeling. So I have been getting stronger. Only one problem...

I am starting to look like a total dude. Which I have a problem with. I am gender non-conforming and I value my feminine characteristics. Particularly because I have very few of them. 

Now I can't keep up with the hair on my legs or anywhere. I have to shave everything everyday in order to keep up with it. My neck line is widening again and my chest is barreling out...

I hate that in order to get people to leave me alone I have to look like them. I hate it. Acting tough and full of bravado. Piss on that!

The big question is how do I come back to a point of a healthy self image? I think I'll start with, chicks are tough and aren't defined by tiny body parts...and being a guy who looks like a guy who feels like he is just as much female as he is male...that's okay too.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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