Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Pouring Out my Heart: Lessons In Determination

Even though I ended up in prison I stayed on the right side of the tracks. For the most part. The problems began for me when I gave all I had of me to a woman incapable of giving me anything back. Of course, being young and niave I didn't realize that until long after we divorced. 

Being married to a woman wasn't bad. As a gay man I wasn't satisfied sexually but that was fairly easy to overcome and look beyond. What I wasn't able to accept was not being loved or trusted in return. When you attempt to ignore your nature for someone and they won't even try to appreciate it, or anything you do, it gets pretty dark mentally.

I did this for over ten years before prison saved me. I might even say that my crime was sadistically done with the intention of getting caught...don't forget the title of this post...

I don't miss my marriage. I miss my children, being a dad, a responsible human being. That's what I miss. I miss the comfort of knowing I could love someone, even if they didn't love me back, at least I got to show what was inside me that way.

Now here I am typing on a tiny screen to people I cannot see doing the same thing. Loving without remorse. Its not the only reason though. I do have goals here. But it does surprise me it took me this long to really admit that. Part of me hopes that people will respond and let me into their lives on a personal level. 

However, having said that, its not the only reason I write every day and expose my vulnerability the way I do. Otherwise I would have given up long ago. I do this because I actually believe I can help the LGBT community and others. I am hopelessly in love with people and I cannot, will not accept that there is nothing I can do about crime and victimization. I can do something about it and this blog is just the first step of changing the atmosphere, people will eventually expect to see action and hopefully you will be inspired to practice active compassion on the people you meet. Warm smiles and gentle words...

Thank you for listening to my heart, but know this, I cannot give up, I won't give up. I believe your worth me fighting for. I will spend the rest of my life proving I am worthy to be loved in return. I will prove it by continuously and foolishly pouring out my heart on anyone who will stand still long enough for me to do it. Perhaps that will make a difference...

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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