Friday, December 30, 2016

Mom

I do feel the love from everyone in my life, you and others. It's another type of love I seek. You have to remember I was married for over a decade to a woman I knew didn't love me and all I could think about the entire time was how to make that void get filled.

Now that I am more comfortable with myself and I have a much better idea of what love is I want it. I don't want to wait for it. 

I have come to the conclusion that nothing, absolutely nothing, will be handed to me in this world and that everything, absolutely EVERYTHING I will have to fight for. From start to finish and then I will have to fight to maintain it. That is the reality.

Which means that I will have to fight for love as well. It goes with the common theme of our lives. Which I am not complaining about, its just the facts. I get a little disheartened at times because I wonder if I am always going to be alone. I am afraid of that. I am afraid that my past will never let go of its hold on me and that until the day I die I will be remembered solely by that time in my life. Which I guess I should expect. I just keep hanging on to hope that it's not true. 

But everyday that goes by and I have no love to write, no one to flirt with, no one to come visit me, no one I can call that will help fill that void, that part of me that I crave to fill. 

I realize that there are shades of love. Not just one kind. I love my family and it's true that there are times that I don't know how to express it. Likewise with finding a boyfriend, I don't know how to flirt. I have never had to. Dating is far from my expertise and picking up guys is even farther from my area of knowledge. I need help and I have no idea how to ask for it. The ways I have asked for help clearly haven't been effective because here I am stuck alone with no one to communicate with that can even come close to boyfriend material. Or hell, even come see me. I'd settle for a simple email.

I do need something from you. I need to get on a dating site or a penpal site. We need to try write and inmate again, only this time I will write a better ad. I am going to ask a few of the guys to read the ad before I send it to you because some of these guys write some terrible things in their ads but get 20 people that start writing them, clearly I have some disconnect in what modern flirting looks like. Maybe I can reach some happy medium.

I appreciate all that you do and the support that you provide, which is beyond what I deserve. I will try to do a better job of showing it, but, the only way I know how is to take action which leaves very little room for words. I have this idea in my head that when others begin to recognize me as someone who has made a difference in other peoples lives then I will have done something that PROVES I have changed rather then me saying I have changed. I am hoping to get rid of lip service and show rather then talk. Something I hate getting in return. I don't like it when people give me lip service, I don't need it and don't appreciate it. Besides which, I have lied so much in my life and I don't want to do it anymore. So the natural progession is to show you my love rather then tell you. 

I suppose I have some work to do.

Love
Jeff

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