Thursday, October 20, 2016

Getting Your Cage Rattled

I don't like it when someone reestablishes authority over me when I have already submitted. It is a control issue on their part and the behavior is scary. Its like punching your dog when he has already obeyed you. Just to be sure he understands he is lower. Abusive.

So when someone in authority over me already does something petty to make sure I know who is boss, it bothers me because I equate it to the man kicking his dog. 

This is just me talking here, and not every figure in authority acts that way. Just a few. But it doesn't have to be authority figures who do this. It can be bosses, spouses, neighbors etc. Simple things like minor disagreements become opportunities for dominant behavior. That's what I am talking about. 

Pushing your cart down the grocery store isle and your on one side and someone else is traveling down the middle. Then they get mad at you when they have to move, as if you had anywhere to go. To be polite and diffuse their unnecessary anger, you wish them well. To kick the dog they add something insulting like "watch where your going next time!" as if you were the one to blame.

Small things like that can get our heads in a mess. For me it makes me recluse a little. Like I was just burnt and I am fearful its going to happen again. I'll spend a few hours fuming about it then as my adrenaline and testosterone leave my bloodstream I become more clear headed. 

Getting your cage rattled sucks and I don't like it at all. More to the point, I don't like how I react to it. It makes me feel like I have done something wrong when in fact I have not. The fact I accept responsibility for someone else's actions just lights me on fire inside and not in the good way! 

So, what do we do? I take a moment to reevaluate what the truth is. Today I was dominated by a staff member, verbally. He established his authority when in was already in submission. I walked into a room and the first words were my charges, the second were pointing out a flaw. Double whammy. I left a routine meeting thinking I had just gotten in trouble when I have been a model inmate for nearly four years now. 

I had to think about where it came from though. The man is sloppy, he sat in a chair that barely supported his weight, his shirt was un-tucked and his lower stomach roll was exposed, showing a greasy stomach. He narrowed his eyes on me in a disgustingly angry way and proceeded to point out a pen he thought I shouldn't have. It was not something I purchased, because it had been given to me at work. I bring it back and forth to work so it doesn't get stolen and today I thought I might need it to sign paperwork. State pens for state work, personal pens for personal work. That was the thinking. I had permission to have it. 

The pen wasn't the issue, it was his tact. His entire demeanor was to force submission, submission he already had. I felt violated and the only thing I can think of to do is take a shower and pray. 

Ever feel like that?

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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