Thursday, August 18, 2016

Getting Back In The Swing Of Things

I do a lot of writing and when I can't get into my creative space it worries me. Typically I get this problem when I encounter high stress situations that require an immense amount of thought to get through safely. Some people can ease through this and go right back to doing whatever it was they were doing. I have a tendency to come down extra hard on myself because I don't like it when I encounter high stress situations. I tend to be extremely critical of myself. 
I think that giving credit where credit is due is healthy though. So, recently I encountered a series of high stress situations and the good news is I got through them just fine. I will say that in times past I would shut down and self destruct and everyone who believed in me would get let down, again. Not this time, this time I made progress. I held my composure all the the way through. Now, on to the critical aspects. 
I find it difficult to concentrate on anything that requires me to be creative. I am writing several short stories and have several side projects for various groups here and eah take a measure of concentration. Something I am currently lacking. Perhaps its something else, I don't know exactly. The will is present but when I sit down my head clutters up with other things I've gone through recently. I can't seem to shake them.
I do know this, I am not giving up. I am a driven man and will not accept defeat. 
So I am going to put one foot in front of the other no matter how difficult it might be and I am going to do whatever it takes to get back on track.
A major part of my stress is I have two different instances where my crime is being asked about. I have no problem talking about my past. I am ready to admit I made some terrible mistakes that I wish I could take back. I am however extremely nervous about being hated for those said mistakes and even worse, that the world will believe that I am not worth their time. That they would believe I am unchangeable. One of my biggest fears currently. I am already a changed man. I welcome help and engage in everything that might shed light on how to get my future self as far away from the man I used to be as possible.
Nevertheless, even though I fear what I am about to do, I will do it anyway because in order to get a different result you must do something different.
So I'll keep going, I'll talk about what I've done and what I'm doing to never do it again and welcome dialogue that will prevent someone else from doing it.

Getting back in the swing of things is hard but either you start now or you start later. I aim to start now.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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