Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Transparency Feels Right: Do You Have To Change Your Actions When Someone Is Looking?

I used to be secretive and have many sides to hide. I had a gay side, a criminal side, a sexually deviant side, a loving side and a manic side. Sound familiar? If it doesn't then I am going to say that one of two things is happening, either your lying or perfect. If your perfect, please write me, I have lots of questions for you.
But, since coming out, facing my deviancies head on, making changes to my mental processes and just flat out coming to terms that I had legitimate problems internally; I have had this wonderful opportunity that I am finally transparent. I have taken full advantage of it to. I no longer have to hide my sexuality, my crimes are being paid for and the only way I can make them right to those I've hurt is to make real changes in myself. Which (ask anyone who's known me, I am not the same man I once was and I ain't done yet). I may never be good enough again, in fact, in my eyes it'll never happen. But this inner anger at myself I have to live with. So instead of hiding further or pretending I didn't do anything wrong, I face myself head on. I will never deserve anything but death, so instead of sitting around waiting for it, I am going to make use of my time. Somewhere there is someone who needs a friend, an ally, an ear. I have the will to make differences in peoples lives and I will wait no longer to do so. I'll do it here, in prison. With or without help. I don't need the help because I ain't doing it for no one else but me. I have a conscious and its alive and well. When I see someone hurting, I hurt to. I hurt with them. If I can help now, I am going to. Because I spent long enough hurting and I don't like that man. I never did. 
I like transparency, I like that I love people. I like that I am gay and I am not perfect. I have been in the lowest, dirtiest, shadiest parts of mankind and acted out most of the garbage that goes on there. But from that came the knowledge to overcome it, to rise above it, to be humbled and find God and His love. I found myself, small and meek, nothing of a man. Of men, I am the least. I'm cool with that. It takes my mind off of the ego and squarely where it belongs, what can I do to make a difference? 
Transparency is a beautiful thing.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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