Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Suicide: Don't Forget About Me

I have been trying to write about a time in my life when I went silent. I had poisoned myself and knew I had to be silent for a specific amount of time to keep from being treated with the anecdote. Ultimately I was treated and saved but no thanks to me. I fought all the way. When I realized my plan was foiled I was upset. I wanted to die. 
When I reflect on that time and the emotions that it involved I realize I am still raw with emotion. I remember what it felt like to feel defeated, unloved, unworthy of life. I know what it feels like when you decide that death is the answer. But, I also know what it means to come through that.
I want to pose a question to anyone considering suicide: What about me? You haven't given me a chance. What if I need you? I will take it personally, btw. 
I remember sitting in a hospital bed with a rotating set of nurses who had to sit with me 24 hours a day. They hated me because I didn't talk back to them. They would shift their feet and sigh loudly and talk to me posing mundane questions and all the while just instilling in me how worthless I felt. After a few days they would complain as if I wasn't even there anymore. Except one lady. She was black and small. She had bright red lipstick that stuck out against the hospital. She worked graveyard. She would come in and just talk to me. As if I was human, as if I mattered. The fact that I didn't respond was no matter to her. She just kept on talking, she even read to me. 
She extended a non-judgemental hand. One that I am wanting to extend to you. One that anyone who reads this needs to extend to those around them. 
Give me a chance to be your friend. Maybe you don't need me, maybe I need you. When I say "With Love", I mean that. I have been loved by the strangest of strangers, let me have the honor of getting to know how wonderful you are. What a gift you would be to me if I could get one letter, one tiny email. You are needed, friend. By me if no one else.

Jeff Utnage 823469
H4-B-130-U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA. 98520

or on jpay.com 

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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