Tuesday, July 26, 2016

My Prayer To God Tonight

I may as well pray publicly because I sure as heck am condemned publicly.

God, first and foremost I love You. Unashamedly, even when people think I'm nuts! But I do. I hold myself accountable to You. I practice what You have taught me through convictions in my heart and reading Your Word. I have to admit, sometimes I get confused and it can be terribly frustrating. But one thing I know for sure, You loved me when no one else did. Not even me. 
Your example of love has guided me into a new me. I have completely turned my life around not just for You, but because I like the man that You are creating in me. What is that man but one who loves? Why do I use that word so much? Because You have used Yourself as an example of it. I didn't know what love looked like until You found me. 
We've been through some stuff! Man, only You know...
God I know I have my problems, lots of them. I still curse a little, I think angry thoughts and I still commit adultery in my mind...frequently! In fact, as of late I haven't even tried to curb it. I just think and dream and then...You know the rest. Not that I'm justifying thinking about sex outside of marriage, but I don't have much choice at the moment. I could use a little help in that department Big Guy...how about a man!? Just sayin'
Even though I know I have these problems and more I can't think of at the moment, I am having issues with my brothers and sisters. Or, Your other kids. Not all of them, just some. 
Here's the problem. They are crushing me. Not just me, us. They're using You as a means to declare an outright war on us. They point the finger at us and I guess while its pointing they think better of themselves?? I don't know what they're thinking truthfully. I am tired of defending my trust in You to some other person. They cant see what's inside of me. They don't know my heart. How can they judge if they can't see the evidence? More importantly, how is You've allowed them to do this again and again? History is just repeating itself over and over again. I'm begging You to put a stop to their garbage. 
God, LGBT+ people are Your people to. I love them and I serve You. Lord, I am begging You to show them Your love. Your unwaivering love. How can they come to You when the whole world says they are hated by You? A God who hates His creation? This isn't You. I don't know what God they serve but its not The Alpha And The Omega, The Beginning And The End. 
God, I am not going to stop telling people that You love them, gay and all. No matter what letter of the LGBTQAIPGQQ they are. If that's wrong then their blood is on my head. But I am thoroughly convinced that You love us. Period. So go ahead and send all the hateful pastors and deacons and leaders my way. I'll listen to them preach venom. I will smile and disagree politely. So long as they are busy condemning me to hell by some other God then at least they aren't telling my LGBT family anything false...like You don't love them.

All I'm asking for is help. Help me show love and more of it. I can't love people enough. I need Your help. Please help me spread that message. 

What I won't do anymore is defend my belief in You to another person. Not anymore. I believe and that's that. I am sick of these self righteous people in here telling me that their sin is forgiveable because they are capable of repentance while because I gay I am not capable of repentance. These are Your vessels? I will listen to them politely and not return venom for venom. But I won't defend myself to them. That's Your job. I'm giving it up as of tonight because I don't have anymore fight left in me. I'm all cried out and frankly, I'm just plain sick of letting them traumatize me.

Lord, I vow to spend the rest of my life trying to love those they have hurt and I promise to do my best to show them the real You by mimicking what You've done with me... love them regardless and with big ole open arms. Listen to them when there hurt, laugh when they laugh and flirt when they flirt. I just don't believe You'd have it any other way.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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