Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Doing The Gayest Thing I Can Think Of: Owning It

My perception of gay personalities as a whole is largely from television. It used to be that gays were depicted as promiscuous, non relationship forming and immoral. However, a more recent depiction has been extreme confidence or simply put, owning it.
Maybe that's a little of the reason I never came out when I was younger. I figured I missed that part in school where they teach you self confidence. I recognized as a young man that the LGBT community was head strong and bold. Willing to be isolated and just plain in-your-face. I kind of understood it, but largely I felt I can't come out because I lack that tenacity that TV personas had. 
Sure, there were a smattering of examples of people to afraid to come out. It inevitably ended with them coming to terms with themselves and somehow developing the will to just be themselves.
I guess I never felt I had that in me, to just "own it". Damn the consequences. It wasn't until I had already lost everything and there was nothing left to lose that I finally just came to terms with it. Even then I did it annoyingly slow. It irritated me that I would wake up still lacking confidence. I was bothered that I was still being doubted by others and that after I came out those who hated me, still hated me. I was screaming inside, I was finally accepting myself, why isn't anyone else? 
The "modern" LGBT man or woman, I have come to realize, is just as normal as every other human being. With one minor difference. Its not our sexuality or Gender Identity that sets us apart. Its our tenacity that only comes from opposition. Its our faith in ourselves to know that when no one accepted us...we did. We still do. 
It isn't something that happens overnight. Or with one incident (though it could). It happens with repeated attacks on an area of your life that you can't change. You can become an old queen that resents humanity and is gonna be as sour as the whiskey they drink. Opinions as potent and sticky as the stale cigarette smoke that clings to their boas. Or you can own it. 
We don't have to settle for the pink boa. We can evolve past the title of "Gay" and right into the title of "human". That's what were seeking, correct? Equality? To be treated the same as everyone else. That sounds great and all, but first we have to establish that differences can be brought to the table. 
Perfect example, a man recently went to the chaplain and asked him something regarding gays being put down in church. His response was " there is no gay, only sinner and non sinner". His response was clear. For him, he was demanding that gays not be recognized as an option for humanity. He believes we go against humanity.
That's what I mean. Once there are no more "hims" in the world, then we can chase the title off. Until then...

Work on owning it, unapologetically owning your sexuality. If no one accepts you for you, talk to me. I will. I will show you the same no limits love that I have been shown. Patience and unending love.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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