Sunday, July 17, 2016

Big Girl In A Man's Body: Managing Body Image

Maybe you can relate to me a little here. This issue is more geared towards women. Which is interesting because I am a man. I have body image issues. Not to try and get all clinical on you, but mine stem from being overweight most of my life. Since I was eight.
Once I got old enough to care I was in full swing with puberty and nothing could satiate my hunger. Long story short, I lost my weight when I was 29-30. Now that most of its gone I see fat on my body as if its the ultimate shame. A great big middle finger to myself. Failure. I see that I have this strange shape that doesn't look pretty or enticing. I am squared, my torso goes down into a slight "v" shape and my chest is formed with two pecs that are nearly squared. I look manish. Hair on my arms and feet, rough palms and when I look down I see someone who is obese and male. 
Notice something there? I never did until recently. Its the male part. Here is what I mean ( because you can't read my mind, or can you??), when I compare myself to my ideal body type I look at women. Women have the physique I want. When I look at magazines that have fashion I look at muscle tone and how dresses or swim wear fits their frame. Then I compare it to my own body type and think, it just doesn't add up!
I am happy with my assigned male parts, I am not happy with my assigned male physique. It took me 34 years to realize that I am a type of gender non-conforming. What exact term I don't know, but I know this. Inside of me, when I look at myself, I think about all my masculinity and how much I dislike it. It just doesn't fit how I feel inside.
Everything inside of me wants to paint my nails and try on heels and see what dresses look good on me. Do I have a color? You know how some people have a color that just looks fantastic on them? Make-up! Would I look good in make -up? But none of that matches my frame. This shell. None of it matches the worlds idea of what identifies a man as a male. I like my parts, I don't want breasts, I want to be a man. Its just...I want to be a man who has pretty nails and killer curves. 
Admittedly, I don't fully understand what this means. This is a helluva place to discover that though. There is almost no one who identifies the same here. Most straight guys are like "that's what makes you gay right? All gays wear girl crap". That's not true though. I am gay, I love me some men! Believe that! I don't want to be a girl. Many gays in here classify that as transgendered. And perhaps in a clinical umbrella I may be classified as such. No problem admitting that. 
How in the world do I deal with that? I am 5'9" and 178 pounds and extremely athletic. But I still ain't happy with my body because it doesn't match a bikini body that's been photo shopped. How do I reconcile that in my subconscious?

I could definitely use some advice, yes...from like YOU! Don't be afraid to leave comments and interact with me. I keep hoping for it one day.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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