Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Taking The Long Way Home

When I was younger I left home. It was in this round about way that left my Mother, helpless to stop me. I went on vacation with my girlfriends family and ended up skipping out on them halfway through the trip. I hitchhiked to Nebraska with my girlfriend in tow. It was an amazing adventure while it was still just adventure.
Eventually reality set it in that we were two broken children who should have stayed home in Washington. Be that as it may, we eventually migrated back to Washington. 
Now, I find myself on another journey. One in which I didn't know my destination. I left for death and found life. Sounds strange, but its true. I remember when I knew I was going to prison, I just knew I was going to die there and all the horrible ways it could happen played over and over in my mind. The shame of what I had done, I just couldn't live with it. So I poisoned myself after careful research. I took a dosage with 33% more then I needed for my bodyweight, drank a beer and waited. I survived through it by the grace of God and the love of those who cared when I simply didn't. I woke up in the hospital and was angry they had recovered me. I was furious with the doctor. I didn't speak for days. I just stared out the window trying to figure out what to do next.
That was over five years ago. I reflect on that time of my life frequently and thank God that He had a plan when I didn't. What I find genuinely shocking is the fact that I got saved, then came out completely. It was like God knew I needed to release that beast of a burden before I could begin fixing what was broken in me. I was definitely broken. God nurtured me through my coming out process, through the beginning of my journey. 
Your journey may be one that is scary. A whole life change may be in store for you. In the beginning I would rather have died then face myself, but now, I am so glad I faced it. Joyfully, I didn't have to face it alone.
I want to leave you with this, you don't have to face it alone. Whether its addiction, coming out, family problems, sexual problems, deviancies, criminal problems...I don't care what it is, I promise you I personally will be your friend through it. You may lose everything while you journey onward, you may not even know where your going or what you'll become. Know that even though I don't know you, if you get ahold of me I will not leave your side as a faithful friend because I know what its like to be lonely and afraid of what's next. 
We have a loving Creator, it would be an honor to journey with you, whoever you are. 

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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