Monday, June 20, 2016

Fathers Day: 

Fathers day is always a little rough for me. I am getting better at managing it though. This time of year commercials are all geared at tugging on our heart strings and highlighting those special moments between a Father and his children. All of which remind me of what I gave up. 
I loved being a Father. My kids are apart of me and without them I am not whole. I made a terrible mistake that was influenced by so many outside factors. Ultimately my crime was optional, I hate that I chose it. This day reminds me of my biggest mistake in life. 
I never had a Dad growing up. Not physically anyway. Now I look back and see God everywhere. But that's been fairly recent that I look to God as my Father. I have a name of my alleged biological father and have spoken to several members of his family through the years. All of which told me the same thing, stop looking for him. Eventually I gave up when I called his brother. I looked in the phone book for his area and called every number that was local to him and matched his name. Eventually I got his brother, he wasn't to surprised to hear my side. He just told me I didn't want to know who he was that I would be disappointed. "Your better off not knowing him". were his last words. I am pretty sure that his brother was there that day. 
I just stopped looking after that. I haven't connected with him but its no fault of my own. It wasn't for lack of trying, that's for sure. 
Perhaps foolishly I would still gladly accept the man in my life. I don't judge him anymore. As a man I understand mistakes happen. After all he was only 16. Hardly a man wanting a child. Maybe he is scared of me, maybe he is just...I don't know. Regardless, I would still gladly get to know him without reservation. 
I think that having an open heart for him might be my way of hanging onto reconciliation with my own children. I have faith that one day I will see them again and they will see I have been changed. I am not the same man I once was. I am no longer the man that was their Father. I am much different. Having hope and open arms for my own biological dad gives me hope that if I forgive him, maybe my kids will forgive me? So Kenny Baker from Blair, NE: Should you ever come across this post, challenge issued, your move. I will remain waiting with open arms. 
Nowadays I look to God and Jesus as my comfort and Fatherly figure. Though, since my Mother raised me on her own, she is my Dad. I send her the Fathers Day card. Though I do wish I could send one to God Himself. Wouldn't that be something, letters to God? Get to heaven and He's got a whole shoe box full of our letters. 
I have a new life with new goals and a new extended family. I am over excited to know every single person I can. I have lost so much through my mistakes and want people to know who I am, really. So, happy Fathers Day to all of you. Especially the ones who don't think they deserve it. Never give up hope, being a Father is a mindset. Remember that.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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