Monday, June 6, 2016

6-6-2016
Coming Out While In Prison: Might Not Be Smart
I came out to everyone shortly after coming to prison. It was more of a confession than a proud moment. I had seen a man that was just plain gorgeous, something I had never admitted out loud before. I had just started taking my Christian beliefs seriously when this happened. I couldn't try and get to know this guy unless I came out. Everyone knew he was gay and anyone who hung out with him was as well. So I came out. 
Fast forward 4+ years to today and that same thing is happening to me. I warn guys that because I am so "out" they will be assumed to be gay as well, even if they are not. So I get a ton of closet whisperers. That's what I'll call them. Its meant to be endearing. These are the guys that talk to me so they'll be pulled out, forced out. They know the consequences of associating with me and they come out to me privately. They are split in two, afraid to come out on one hand, but so desperately want to be out on the other.
My own preference for them? Stay in until your not thinking with your tool. Many of these guys are "gay for the stay". Meaning that they are not really gay at all. Like dogs who hump the air when nothing else is available or each other they are not gay. They don't want a relationship, they want sex. They'll close their eyes and in their mind its a female on the other end. That doesnt make them gay it makes them opportunistic. To try to weed them out I tell them they are barking up the wrong tree. Those that just want sex leave because they are on to the next option. Those that stay are legitimately questioning their sexuality. Them, I can help. 
Some still are only situationally gay. Perhaps we could call them bisexual but bisexuality means you can LOVE either sex, not just when the opposite sex isn't available. I'll be honest, I don't like it. This is exactly the reason why in wont have any kind of inmate to inmate relationship. Because what if I invest and the other person was simple confused for ten years. Gets out after the gayest man on the planet and suddenly becomes straight? Sound strange, well it happens a lot. 
Because of this, I don't think the LGBTQ population is as large as many think it is. Yes there are thousands of men here willing to have sex with other men. Maybe that makes them something like gay, maybe. But as soon as a female is around, boom, their gone faster then you can ask what happened. Leaving those who are gay in a place of hurt and confusion. 
So how do you know if your really gay? Well, do you want to kiss, hold hands, flirt, vacation, be alone with the same sex? Or is it just a sex thing? I don't judge those who just want sex, but I feel like maybe they are using the gay community like a rag. Use us to clean themselves and then discard us out of sight. I can't agree with the practice.
I want to help those who are legitimately questioning their sexuality. Or those who are gay and comfortably so. Because these guys are being trampled on. I identify with them. I have to constantly guard against it. These guys need support. Just like me. 
I would like to hear your opinions!

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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