Tuesday, June 14, 2016

6-14-2016
Believing In God: I Can't Prove His Existence, Only He Can
First off, I am sorry about the delay in posts. We are on lockdown and our communication to the outside world has been cut off. I am writing these in anticipation of getting our liberties back soon. However, I have been writing about it so its a good way to be inspired. 
I was thinking about why I believe in God. What made me believe so whole heartedly? Something must have been the catalyst to flip my switch, right? I reflected on those moments in my life where I said to myself "this isn't possible, what is happening?" Or maybe a feeling came over me that I couldn't explain. This is what I do know, I didn't know what it was going to take to believe in God. The proof I asked for was "God if Your real and can do anything, then show Yourself!"
This was said as a challenge. I did it all the time, on purpose to mock God. God wouldn't just walk beside me, I was nobody. Besides, He doesn't show His face to anyone. He couldn't be real. After all, look at all the things He allowed me to do, look at all the people who hurt me, what about those I've hurt? If there was a God He had no heart indeed. I even wrote a letter about Him titled "God, The Ant Burner". in it I detailed God as a mean freckled faced kid with a magnifying glass torturing us with the sunlight. Us being the ants who are to small minded to know what is happening. All we know is we are in pain and it wont stop.
It was in this mind set that God proved His existence to me. Several things happened that leave me no room for doubt. I want to tell you all this because though I wish you all believed and followed Jesus the Christ so that you will be my family in heaven too. I understand that I can't prove Gods reality to you. Only He can. Only He knows what it is going to take to prove His existence. Its usually not what your looking for and that's what makes it so incredible.
After I began to take God seriously in 2011 I still had a lot of doubt. There was still a big skeptic in me that reigned. I was living in a cell with this guy who wrote one letter to his church and got everything he could get in a package. He got letters everyday and cards and lots of support. He even got picky and was s little upset when he got the wrong shoes. Calling them angrily for making the mistake at all. Meanwhile I haven't gotten a letter in months. Nothing at all. One evening I was alone in my cell and starving but all I had was this orange. The oranges we were getting were terrible, they had seeds everywhere in them. Many had grown roots so the orange was rotting and hard. I was very hungry though so I grabbed it and began to peel it. It was awful, it was messy and smelled rotten and seeds were breaking my teeth and the roots were bitter in my mouth. I was having a terrible time satisfying my hunger.
I looked around and got angry because I was covered in orange goop and still starving and my cellie had a bunch of food he didn't even want. In anger I was mad that he had everything and I couldn't even get a full stomach. Where the hell was this God I believed in? So I threw the orange against the brick and it exploded everywhere. Then I yelled "God, why can't I get just one freakin' seedless orange, just one!". I had asked for all those things my cellmate had asked for and didn't even get an answer. 
A few days went by and I found myself in the same situation. An orange on the shelf and I was starving again. I didn't even bother bringing them back anymore. I knew they'd be rotten. Someone had given me one and I took it out of politeness, no intention of eating anymore rotten oranges. But, out of pure hunger I began to peel it. I had just got done running a few miles in the yard so it was nearly impossible to be upset. After I unconsciously ate half the orange I looked down and realized that the orange was seedless. When none of them were. But this one was seedless and incredible. It was sweet and the perfect amount of juice. It even peeled perfectly. Then I remembered my tantrum and this voice spoke to me clearly from within "I have provided you with one seedless orange". With it was laughter. I began laughing out loud because God was mocking me. Rightfully so, I had acted childishly. However, that didn't stop God from providing me the orange. I said back to Him out loud "out of all the prayers to answer...that's the one huh? That's the one You decided on?". I said it in jest. Because for the first time God revealed personality and attitude and a sense of humor. He went on to say "I hear even the angry prayer and listen, I just want you to talk to me in truth, however it comes out".
I cried and cried. God just wants us to be real with Him. To include Him in our day to day lives.
That was what I needed to believe. The catalyst. Your proof may be different. But its up to Him to prove. Be careful, He may just respond if you start praying. Even in anger.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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