Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Sexual Expression: I Love Being Gay
I have a Fem Queen who dwells inside of me. I haven't named her, but I'm gonna. I am sure that when I get out of prison that being a drag queen is definitely on the table. I know that I am gay because when I was watching Rihanna perform on the Billboard Awards on Sunday I was like "Girl, you are talking my language!" It was like she pulled out this inner sex machine out of me.
It took all of my strength to not turn into a tramp. Clothes all on the floor, hair a dishevled mess, grip bruises on my waist and shoulders...ooh! 
Here is the thing. This wouldn't be a big deal for anyone outside of here. But in prison, I can't talk about it. Not a word. Guys are watching me. They study me and memorize patterns. When they talk to me they are analyzing my responses and mannerisms. Then they find chinks in my armor. Its up to me to keep my guard up. If I start talking about what turns me on to a bunch of guys doing that I can really put myself in a bind. I have to keep up my defenses against being hit on because I am human and these guys are slick.
I am good at keeping them at bay, I am missing " girl time" or perhaps more appropriately "gay time". Where I can express my sexuality openly, without having to be reserved. I can't say what a gorgeous guy that is or even hit on someone unless they are on the streets and find me. Do you know what that does to my playing field? 
Sometimes a guy just wants to be sassy and switch my hips and twirl my hair. Sometimes I want to express how I feel inside, sometimes I want to be the fem queen I feel I suppress. 
As I become more and more comfortable with the man I am, I find that the man I was dies a little more each day. Thank God because I was not happy. There was nothing I liked about him. I like the man I am now; gay, sassy and most of all, happy. Strangely enough, I had to come to prison to even know what that felt like. Now that I do, I want to express it without reservation, without filter. I want that openly gay relationship. I want a man to come visit me here and let's make out in our visit room! Woo hoo! Wear skin tight jeans and let me check you out! Let me have a little fun. Let me say things that will make me turn red and flirt with you. Let me feel what its like to hold a mans hand for the first time. Let me feel that warmth, the feeling of being unashamedly and openly gay. I am tired of holding back because my liking guys might embarrass someone else. 
I want to learn to twerk, and not so I know how to dance! I want to know how to put moves on ya! I want to get turned up, maybe a little freaky. Actually, no reason to hold back now, I am definitely going to get freaky. Just keepin' it real ya'll. 
There is so much I want to explore that I need a partner for. Yes I am a God fearing man, but I'm not a monk. I just want a relationship before I start hussying it up! I need to be able to express my feral attraction to men and the thangs I would do to their bodies!

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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