Tuesday, May 31, 2016

5-28-2016
1st Amendment Rights, Keeping Heart, Not Stopping or Slowing Down: Mix Bag Today
I am confused. I can buy music with lyrics that are terrible from pay.com. Not terrible as in bad, but lyrics that are violent and extremely sexual. I can buy most any rap song and listen to some guy talk about killing and pimping and every sexual position under the sun. We can listen to Nicki Minaj talk about getting her salad tossed, or Rihanna getting pinned against the wall or Ariana Grande wanting to do things she shouldn't. But I can't say those same things in reference to my own homosexual desires.
The same company, jpay.com, filters it out, flags it as contraband, some idiot behind a keyboard reads it and gets offended and then stops it from going out saying its sexually explicit. Then they know it wasn't sexually explicit so they say it was sexual innuendo. But I can still buy Elliphants new song "Spoon Me" where she talks extremely graphically and its blasted all over TV. But I'm not allowed to send those lyrics out to you. I can't say what Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ariana grande or Elliphant say I their music to my boyfriend or friends or even in poetry. But I can still buy those songs and listen to them. That's allowed.
The simple answer is I chose to come to prison when I committed my crime. So this is prison. I can say what I want as long as DOC profits from it and its homosexual in nature. Then its violating their morals. Unless it makes them money. 
I am tired friends. It feels like I'm taking a lot of hits on the brow lately and I'm searching for support and it seems to be just beyond my reach. I am sick of work, slightly depressed and lately I feel extremely isolated. Its hard to get up in the mornings now and start my day, when I do its only out of habit. I have lots to do but its overwhelming and when I look around there is no one else working beside me. It seems as though no one cares. If I just stopped right now, no more blog, no more drawing, no more book writing, no more fighting for LGBTQ rights no one would bat an eyelash.
But quit just isn't in me. I do have a choice to stop. But, as a human being I can't allow these things to stop my momentum, no matter how little it is. That is admitting I'm a failure when I'm not. That's allowing my past to define me, when it doesn't. That's allowing my emotions to rule my actions when they don't. That's what led me to prison and by giving in to it again just proves that I am not any different and no changes have been made. When they have.

Don't quit. You just never know who your helping just by being you.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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