Tuesday, May 31, 2016

5-27-2016
What Are My Motives: Heart Check
When someone who is LGBTQ comes to Stafford Creek I immediately seek them out. As soon as they are identified as apart of the LGBTQ community. Why? Its a question I hear over and over. 
Its no secret I am an activist for LGBTQ equality here, I work all day for it. Its my love, everything I do I tie back into my goal of furthering the LGBTQ agenda here. Sometimes I don't even know how it will help, but I will do it because there is a slim chance it may come in handy. So, why? Good question.
When I came out in 2011 it was out of defeat. It was an act of shame, a final confession before I was about to commit suicide. I had thought it in my head all my life but never dared say it out loud. I sat on the edge of my prison cell bunk and cried out to God because I couldn't help but be attracted to men. There was nothing I could do to stop it. So out of defeat, I confessed to God "God, I'm so sorry, but I'm gay". Immediately it was like seeing the world in color for the very first time. 
Suddenly everything was brand new, I was like a child seeing everything with fresh eyes. Suddenly, in an instant, I had hope. So I came out, shyly at first. I sought help with my Christian beliefs and interpreting the Bible. I knew (and still know) that God led me to come to terms with my sexuality because He was on with it. He was OK with me. I sought help with coming to terms with my sexuality. I wanted to express it, I just had no idea how. I was only good at hiding. 
I reached out and no one helped me. There were one or two men along the way who offered advice, one of them is my good friend today ( love ya Gary). But for the most part, it was a lonely journey. Which is helpful for some. But here is the heart of my zeal for the LGBTQ community. When I finally came out and came to terms with myself I began to understand what led me here to prison. Just by getting this big elephant out of the way I was finally able to concentrate on the things that were normally pushed down along with my sexuality. For the first time I experienced freedom from myself. 
I want that for every LGBTQ family member. Your freedom may not be tied to your sexuality and coming to terms with it. But many aren't so lucky. I sincerely want to see healthy, happy gays leave this place for good. I want to make sure I am there for the next guy, before he/she feels abandoned and alone.
You are NOT alone. I AM here and I DO care. If you need to, write me. You have a friend in me. 
That's my motives, that's my heart check friends. I just want to be available for those that need to know they aren't alone. So many in here feel alone and when they aren't alone its because men are trying to use us for sex. All we have is each other in here. Maybe I can make a difference. Maybe.

Jeff Utnage 823469

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