Tuesday, May 10, 2016

5-10-2016
Cleaning Out The Closet

Have you ever held something in? Something big and important. Something traumatic? I had, for thirty years I refused to talk about childhood abuse that went on. I held it in so long and convinced myself it didn't happen. It almost seemed like I was talking about someone else when I did finally come clean. 
The feelings that are coming out of me are thick and unwelcoming. Feelings that I didn't want to contend with. Especially not in here and especially not with anyone watching. Since "releasing" my childhood secrets on paper I have noticed its hard for me to maintain my temper. I am crying at the drop of a hat and I am overall depressed. I am not going to be to judgemental on myself though. I have always been a stuffer. Stuff feelings down until something explodes. Over the years, since my incarceration, I have figured out that I didn't like that. So I have been working on it by doing the hard and uncomfortable task of being transparent. Stepping out of my comfort zone and dealing with the realities of my past. At whatever age.
I don't like that I am emotional right now and little things are bothering me. Things like, everyone. However, I do recognize it and know that I can fix it. I am not alone in cleaning out my closet and am not confused about this process, its called grieving. Its called healing. When you get injured and it heals, the healing process is just that, a process. I can't expect a broken bone to not hurt as it heals. Likewise, I spent thirty years suppressing a few things and I would be foolish in expecting instant happiness. 
My secrets held me captive and I am no longer okay with that. So I chose to break those chains that others put on me. I am excited about having a clean heart. Or a clean 'closet'. I like the fact that almost everything about my past is public knowledge. Writing this book I'm working on is challenging in that I have to put out my past. But there is a little freedom in knowing that now, today, I AM healing. That's a good feeling. It feels good to know that I have nothing left to hide. I will be judged by many and hated by some. But, I will also be inspirational to many and loved by some. I certainly have admired those who can talk about their sordid past and live today like their happy. Because they are. Nothing to hide, nothing left to dance around, just beautiful scars that define the people we have become. Every scar was once painful, but it healed. Some of them are vicious looking, aren't they? But when I look at all your scars I don't see weakness, I see endurance and strength and beauty. I hope to one day soon be as strong as all those who dared to bare their scars for everyone to see. Like being thrown to the wolves and emerging with pelts. Every scar a testament to just how strong God made us.
Be bold dears. Be daring and courageous. Love yourself enough to forgive your past and those who hurt you and emerge....you.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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