Friday, April 1, 2016

Not A Perfect Person: What To Do?

I get irritated with people on prison easily. Well, with people in general. I don't mean to say that I am perfect and that I don't irritate other people through my own actions. However, I try to be cognizant of what kind of effect I have on my surroundings. For instance, in here we have a machine that we all use for emails and music downloads. It is what I typing on right now in fact. What has happened is now that we all have upgraded to our new music players known as jp5's we have to re download all of our music and it is bogging down the system making it impossibly slow. IN fact, we went from averaging 25+ songs in a 20 minute session to 1. Yeah, 1. So what happened is tempers flare up easily because there are hundreds, if not thousands, of men in here that when they don't get there way they take what they want and ain't no one gonna stop them no way now how.
Obviously this creates a security issue to the inmates and the facility as a whole. Since it is the entire state that is having the issue, it needs to be addressed state wide. Inmates communicate with administration regularly to try and resolve the issue without creating further issues. These people are called tier reps. They hold the voice of their respective units. I bring this up to say this, this morning I was conveying to another inmate a possible system that is going to be implemented to alleviate the system being bogged down. It is nothing set in stone, simply a "this is being looked at as a possible solution". This inmate, being an outcast already, immediately challenged my words. 
What irritates me so much is that I have not lied to this man, not now, not ever. Suddenly, when he hears something that he doesn't like the response is that I must be lying because he doesn't like the truth that I am speaking. I know that I am not perfect, I have my issues people. I try not to be prideful or egotistical and sometimes my anger gets the better of me. Perhaps the better way to put that is that I resort to an angry emotional state more often then I should. Not to mention what got me in here in the first place. So I know that I have very little right to point out another's faults. But this is my gripe for the day and that is that.
I love my peers in here. We are a big ole, dysfunctional family and I seem to have two of them. I have my Christian family, which I have to tell you are a vicious bunch. I mean that literally, just absolutely vicious people. Then I have my gay family. I want them to be Christian, not because I need them to go with me to church, but because I want them to be with me heaven when we get resurrected. What kind of mentor or friend would I be if I didn't want what I believed to be the best for them. I love my familial groupings in here and all for different reasons. I even love them when they act out against me, hurting my feelings. The man who challenged my ability to tell the truth earlier has issues, but he won't dictate my days emotional response. I have a choice, even if he does not. Something in him caused him to react that way, so in that he reacted truthfully and honestly and that is all I expect from anyone I talk to even if I don't like them.
None of us are perfect. You aren't, I ain't and that is that. It is what it is, so they say. I know that I got things to resolve, some issues are big, some are relatively small. But at least I can say that I am working on them diligently. I hope that everyone else is to. The problem that leads people to prison is an absolute refusal to be able to change willingly.

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469

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