Friday, April 15, 2016

Delusions: Am I Crazy To Want To Make A Difference?

Am I just delusional? Thinking I can make a difference in anyone's life but my own? That's what I strive for, did you know that? Helping others, rather the hope of helping others, is a selfish venture. It's been said that the most effective way to learn, is to teach.
I have miles to go before I think I am a good person, but Lord knows I am changing. Try isn't a word I want to use anymore, I want to replace it with "I'm going to.."
But is that a good enough reason? Should I simply give up? Just let others fend for themselves, put my blinders on and disappear into the crowd of 16,500 other offenders and hope like hell I get outta here. It would be easier...give up on my goals, my dreams that one day I will have done enough to repay my wrongs. That's the heart of the drive...I know I did something terrible and I can't take it back. God...I can't take it back...
No amount of good I will ever do is going to make up for it, none. I guess in a way I just simply need to prove that I am worth another chance. One more chance at life. One more chance as a family member. Maybe inside I don't believe I am worthy, my guilt and shame controlling my goals? Perhaps.
I like to think that I am pushing onward for the right reasons, because I legitimately want to effect change in me and I need a support system I can communicate with in honesty. Since that's not available, I will create it myself. Not possible is another phrase I don't like. Censor that...
Such a big part of me wants to challenge everything I am doing, everything around me. But I am reigning it in. So maybe I am delusional for thinking I could ever be anything other then....this...
Maybe I am only kidding myself but I can't not try (I really, really don't like that word). I won't just lay down and cower. I have done that my whole life and I may be useless now but I will not settle for that. Neither should you. Now that you know I doubt, I am flawed but I refuse to stay in this mindset. Best believe this man will not settle for this place or it's mentality and when I get a chance to reconcile, and I will, I will not have wasted my life. I did wrong and I'm fixing it. Now, who's gonna help and who's gonna hate?

If I can do it, the off scouring of the filth of Gods creation, so can you.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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