Friday, April 29, 2016

4-29-2016
When Can I Move On? Part 2

I want to move beyond my regret and guilt and shame and the pitiful attitude of laying down to die. I am not satisfied with the man I was so I have decided to change, to fix me. Since ending my life is not an option, I can only do my best to live honorably. But is that OK? Is it OK to move on? Is it OK for me to try now? Is it OK for me to forgive myself? Is it OK for me to accept the forgiveness of another? What is expected of me in this situation? 
My hope is that one day I will have done something productive with my life. That I will have done enough good for enough people that not everyone will define me by my past. That they will look me in the eye with respect. I will do everything in my scope of ability to prevent another me. I will spend the rest of my life searching for those ready to do what I have done and getting them help. I know how to stop them and salvage what's left of their lives. Embarrassing tacticts is not good for anyone, only TV ratings. I can do something about them. And I will. But how do I move on from my own guilt? 
This is what I am going to do. I am going to get up today, I am going to brush my teeth, drink my coffee, read the Word, get dressed and press onward. Everything in me wants to lay down in depression and give up. Giving way for my shame and guilt to once again dictate my life. But I am not. I won't allow that mindset again. I was so ashamed of my homosexuality that my crime was not as bad as being a fag. I was so ashamed of my homosexuality and myself that I did the worst thing possible. Well....NOT AGAIN, NEVER AGAIN! I will NOT be defined by that. Hiding is what got me here, submitting to depression is what got me here, not being true to myself is what got me here, being selfish is what got me here, laying down and waiting for death is what got me here. That is my comfort zone. Well I'm stepping out of that, once and for all and the only way I know how is to be uncomfortable and press on. I have no idea what else to do besides keep trying. I hope that one day, just maybe one day I will not define myself by my past. I am doing everything I know how to move on, but there is no rule book for me to follow. Society is just fine to keep me in here away from them. No further use...I am determined to make damn sure that's not true. No one else is going to do it for me. I have to prove my value and my worthiness to be given a second chance. I will do just that. The question is am I ready?
So today I'm getting up, I am getting ready for the challenges ahead. I am preparing for victory. Maybe along the way I can help a person or two, or maybe get a little help myself. regardless, I am pressing on because that's all I got left to do, keep moving forward.

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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