Friday, April 29, 2016

4-28-2016
Is It Normal To Have Straight Dreams?

I wonder if a straight man, who is comfortable with his sexuality ever has gay dreams? I had a dream recently where I was at some sort of food preparation establishment and this woman knew I was gay, I knew I was gay yet, for some reason I allowed her to pursue me. I even agreed to date her, more or less because she made me feel comfortable. I looked forward to her getting near me and she made me at ease. Not sure why. In the dream she was trying to convince me to have sex with her in the freezer and I wasn't very happy about the location but agreed. So I waited for her while she left to do something. What perplexes me is my willingness and my internal comfortability with the whole thing. She was well aware of my sexuality and wasn't deterred by it in the least, in fact, I think it was more like a challenge to her. Which is odd.
So here I am in the morning and going through the dream. I am still gay, love men and all their *parts*! When I think of settling down its a man I see. When I think of sex its not a women's body I'm picturing. So I think, could I marry another woman? Maybe, but the sex would never satisfy...I'm afraid that she may have the emotional connection with me but the physical would be nearly impossible. With me ex I had to usually finish from behind so that all I could see was her bottom. It was almost the only way I could perform.
Strange how one sugar induced dream can shed light on a part of you that you packed away already. I don't think its a good idea to allow a woman into my life as a sexual partner, could I? Yeah, I could but I would not be happy sexually which would always leave room for unhealthy attractions. That's just the nature of the beast. Maybe I could try and be celibate, but why? I don't think I'm called to that and I know that the closest I'll ever come to sleeping with a women is maybe a post op woman. Love goes deeper then just sex and if the man of my dreams knows he is a woman, then I'm certainly going to call him a woman and love him as my beloved, sex and all because I fell in love with that person. We would have to make some adjustments sexually but I think it could work if we were together before the full change. After a I'm not straight but gay. I don't know, that's a confusing subject but I know this, I need someone to be able to hear me and not judge me and love me right now, as I am. That's what that woman in the dreams made me feel like, loved and wanted. Curious how my mind interpreted that as a feminine trait when I desire those things from a man with a package...but whatever.
Thanks for listening to my mind roll around today! I guess its a human trait to have to reaffirm your values and character. Perhaps one day I'll hear some of yours?

With Love
Jeff Utnage

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