Sunday, April 24, 2016

4-20-2016
Always Be Prepared: A Light On A Hill Attracts The Lost

I think I forget where I have come from and what I am trying to do sometimes. Years ago when I began my journey of self discovery I only wanted to focus on me. Then as I came to terms with myself others began to seek me out for help sorting out their feelings as well. I was hardly prepared for that and still question my involvement as I hear confession after confession on another mans inner struggle with sexuality. It still takes my breath away and gets me nervous when a man I have never met comes to me and says "I need to talk to you". 
I have to remind myself that I am here for that too. Not just myself, though I know that I have to take care of me to. We are no good when we are disheveled messes running around aimlessly. I think God has a way of reigning us in when we need it most. Whatever you want to call Him... He still knows you and we are of great use to Him when we respond. In my case God puts me on a hillside, my flaws for all to see. Most days I feel humiliation as I am explored by yet another curious man. My flaws come to the surface fast and then I hear theirs and suddenly they feel better about themselves. That's my gift though, my ability to be honest. Something I haven't always been. I hope that my humiliation now might save one of your loved ones from being a victim of whatever. I truly want my children and mother and ex to be safe. I truly want them to have a great life in a great community with great potential and I can't see that happening with no one even trying to fix the problem. I don't think you need a Masters Degree in Psychology to figure out that some people are scared of themselves. Sometimes it takes a guy like me who hates his past mistakes to say "yeah, I did that and here's why and heres what I did to fix it and here's where you would start". Sometimes just us being open is enough to change a whole bunch. What if I just did my time? What if I didn't care? What if my job is to stop just one persons terrible course of life and all I had to do was be willing to admit my faults openly and risk the judgement of everyone. If that helps just one person out commit another crime then my life wasn't wasted after all. Maybe I need that to feel redeemed or that I am not a monster. Who knows. What I do know is this, when you put yourself out there, people who need your help will come find you. Don't be surprised when it happens. 
Its OK to be a light when you aren't perfect. All that means is that your just like every other great leader, willing.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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