Saturday, April 23, 2016

4-19-2016

Happiness is: Not Being Forgotten

So often in life we are forgotten. Maybe not intentionally, but forgotten nonetheless. I don't like it in here at all. I have very little say in my life as it is. This makes the little say I do have in my life very important to me. My family doesn't forget me or my friends, I'm talking about inside this place. Having to fight for every little stinking thing to better myself is really getting old. 
I begin to wonder if there will ever come a time where I can just...be. I suppose I could walk around here complaining about not enough protein to make me a body builder. Or that I only get to do this or there is no video game consoles to support a lazy mentality. I could just give up and sleep my time away, let my teeth rot the rest of the way and become the lazy, disheveled man that I have once was. I could. Save for the fact that I do care...I want better for myself and the one thing still standing in my way is the laziness of another. I have a hernia that needs attention because it is very painful. When I brought that up to the PA (I have yet to see a DR.) he said "doubtful" apparently caloused by years of pain med junkies. Meanwhile I don't use pain meds or any other meds, I believe in alternative healing and medicines, like letting something heal with proper care..you know, crazy stuff. I have a tooth that is cracked and broke right in the front. I went in to get it fixed and they sent me away saying watch the callout next week, that needs attention right now. So that was three weeks ago. That's just medical. I won't even begin to detail my problems with the programming staff here, so overwhelmed that I am completely forgotten for almost everything. For five years I have been writing DCS begging for them to hear my child support case. So that I don't leave here with a mountain of debt. Once in five years DCS has agreed to come here to review individual cases and I sign up same day, get the confirmation letter and then the day comes and I am forgotten, again. 
I feel like I am tired of fighting. Like it's time for a break from worrying about my future. But no one else is going to fight for my life, obviously. I was put in here to be shunned and forgotten. How effective. At the risk of sounding depressed, I am just going to end my pity party right here. I/we can't give up on ourselves. It is obvious that the majority of our lives will be spent fighting vehemently for one more chance. So don't expect me to stop now. I cant, failure is not an option I am willing to put on the table. So yeah, I am tired and stressed and anxious and perhaps a little manic sometimes. But dont think I am giving up, because I am the only one fighting for me. 
Strap your boots in boys, I am here for the long haul. Its gonna get messy. LOL!

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469

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