Saturday, April 2, 2016

4-1-2016

Identifying Yourself: Are You Unashamed To Discover?

10 years ago I would never have spoken about myself like I am about to. I would have been ashamed to speak so freely about my sexuality and what that means to me. In fact, I would have adamantly denied any such notion.
So it's a wonderful feeling to just type this blog out from behind these prison fences and speak so openly and share my "discovery" process with anyone who cares to listen. From a small child I knew I was different. All through my teenage years I privately would dress up as a woman and do all the things that I thought woman did. I stuck to just sexual gratification because I was always limited on time but my true feelings were how do I become more woman-like? 
This question has been a plague to me for years. What does that mean? Does that mean that I am a transsexual? Does that mean I am a freak? I don't think so, when I see a trans-man or woman I don't think freak, I think they are beautiful. I think strength and drive. How peculiar then when I think of my own internal battle I think myself a freak...
Bare with my while I figure this out on my own. This is the FIRST time I have EVER voiced this aloud at all. Even my own mother has asked me this question "are you questioning your gender?" I told her no, but the reality...yes. Yes I am. I am questioning my gender assignment and the thought is bringing tears to my eyes right this minute, as I type in front of the 130 men behind me I am welling up just admitting it. 
I have the thought in my head that my time to pursue it is long gone. I don't have any traits of a woman and my voice is too deep, I fear I would make a truly ugly woman...But on the inside, I am all woman. I don't think of myself as masculine at all. When I picture myself as truly happy I picture myself in make-up and long hair, with a feminine figure. Not my boxy, masculine self now. Maybe that is why I have such trouble with my weight, because inside I am comparing myself to women. Is that strange? How in the world do I reconcile that. I will never be a woman, I will never have a woman's body. I have been a man for 34 years yet I have never truly looked myself in the mirror and thought "yup, I'm complete" I so desperately want to say those words and really mean them.
Last night I was watching American Idol, a show I am bored with finally and there was a contestant on there who said something that I identify with he said "it feels like I have been screaming my whole life for people to hear me and now it feels like they are finally listening" I feel like that, the first part anyway. 
I write this to sort out my own insecurities, to bring them to light to ask for help. Here is the thing, I am satisfied with my genitalia, I am not satisfied however, with my masculinity. I wonder though, lets say I do get out of here and do wear a little eye liner and get my nails done and fix my hair to the style that I want, will I be satisfied with that expression of feminism or will I require more...that is what scares me. Am I alone in this..or what? How about you, if you feel the same way or are questioning the way that I am, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. I too am questioning and that is ok. It's ok to question, to figure it out and to be wishy-washy with your feelings, why? Because we have to figure them out otherwise they fester and turn ugly. We don't want that, we want to be healthy and fruitful. Figure away my friends.

With Love

Jeff Utnage

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