Friday, April 29, 2016

4-30-2016
Abomination: The Word And Its Uses
A series By Jeff Utnage. Part 1
"Your an abomination," have you ever heard that? Have you ever been walking somewhere and someone shouted those words out to you? If your openly LGBTQ its almost assured that you have. If you haven't, never leave your bubble because those words hurt. I have heard those words slithering at me for years and I have grown to foolishly hate the people behind them. In fact that word can't even be used without me immediately getting angry, typically visibly. My straight friends avoid using it and my Christian family that's supportive does to. Mainly because they know how much it hurts me personally.
Last year I was walking one of the yards here with some other gay men and they were flamboyant, outcasts of the prison. There was no hiding them, not that I wanted to, everyone knew we were all gay. Its nice and sunny, our prison located near the coast, so nearly everyone had their shirts off. There was a big group of guys that were half-naked and chiseled in like roman statues and were all glistening with sweat and just plain sexy, so one of my friends made comment about how good looking the whole group was, which was true. Then one in that crowd shouted out for the whole yard to hear, about 400 men "homosexuality is an abomination and your going to hell!". The conversation my friends and I were having: how I could be a Christian and gay. They thought they had to be separated. I was in the process of dispelling that myth when they got distracted by the beautiful bodies and then emotional hell broke loose.
I thought "wow, what perfect timing". Inside I was furious and none of them ever came to know God because of that man and his hatred. A whole year goes by and every once in a while I would see that guy and just shake my head. Avoiding contact because I know what my reaction to him will be. 
So imagine my surprise when he turns up in my unit, as my neighbor no less! Oh boy, here we go, I thought. Round Two Lord! In addition to that, a friend of mine who is still closeted or at least trying to figure out what his desires mean, meets him and decides that they are both Christian and would make great cellies. What! So I informed him of my experience with him, more as an warning to not disclose his struggle. Every time I see him I remember those words. They sting me all over again. Now I have to brush my teeth next to him, walk to mainline and even see him when I'm on the phone. 
My friend doesn't know the hurt that I did by his hands. I chose not to expand so that I am not influencing his path. Something that is important to me. He must not feel like I am drawing a line in the sand, I respect him and will not be anything other then a constant line of support. So I prayed and the only thing that came to mind was getting my Strong's and doing a word study on "abomination". What does it mean, bow is it used and what else is abominable in the bible? What is still recognized as abominable? Is it old covenant or new? Is it just for the Hebrew nation or for everyone? What does it mean today and does it still apply? Consider that some customs have passed away with time. Like plundering your enemies, or murder. God had David slaughter whole countries....not something that is done anymore is it? So somethings do go away with time when it comes to traditional biblical themes. Does abominations do too? 
In this series I am going to study the word and go through and read every scripture and dissect what it says and how the word is used according to the NKJV and a Strong's Concordance. Were going to find out together and were going to get the tools necessary for us to move on in love when we face this. Which we will. If we have confidence in what is really meant by the word and what it means today then when someone shouts it out as an insult it won't mean anything, because we know the truth. They may as well about out "your a turkey baster, your going to hell" that is ridiculous, right? Because we KNOW that its not true. The notion is not even worth giving thought to as a serious consideration.
I hope you will go on this journey with me and allow yourself to be armed. I can promise one thing before I start this: I know that God loves me and He has not condemned us in today's world. We are created in His image and He sent Himself to be a reconciliation blood sacrifice for our sins so that we can again be perfect in His sight. He sees everyone of us through the perfection of His son Jesus. I know this. Journey with me please.
Next, Part 2, to be published here over the next few days. 
With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469
4-29-2016
When Can I Move On? Part 1
I have done awful things. Things which I don't want to talk about. I want to protect the remaining dignity of the victim and myself. However my dignity is not important but theirs is, that's my opinion. Recently I was sent into a tailspin. I imagine a caged lion seeing a person for the first time and going berserk, that's the way I have felt all night. Not anger, but immense confusion. How should I feel? Let me explain myself.
I have no contact with the victim in my case ( I really hate the word victim, I wish I could use the first name...but to protect identity I will use victim, but let it be known I feel its somewhat politically incorrect). Nor will I ever initiate first, second or third party contact, not now or ever. I won't violate trust again. But in talking to a friend who was in prison with me recently he informed me that the victim in my case reached out to him to learn about my rehabilitation and the process and if its possible.
When he told me this I began to cry. I am so mad at myself for ever doing what I did. I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that the victim has to go through this and there is nothing I can do to fix it, to make it better, to make amends. I had my chance as a father, as a human being. I failed. In both.
The problem is I fear the forgiveness. I don't deserve it. What's even scarier is I might actually get it and then where will I be? Jesus, I don't deserve it. I want to be forgiven, but I am scared. Which I don't have the right to be scared.
I have spent the last five years looking inside myself and finding what was wrong with me. Not just me, a whole team of people. Mothers, friends, counselors, bosses, PA'S, Psychologists, pastors and most of all God. I had a whole laundry list of issues to work out and painfully, one by one we worked them out. My sexuality was among them. I was so determined to ignore and suppress my homosexuality that I was willing to do anything to convince myself I wasn't gay. I was in a toxic relationship where I was both husband and caretaker to a schizophrenic who was undiagnosed. I thought I just made her so angry all the time. My stress levels were intense and all I could do was immerse myself in my hiding hole. Eventually, some really dark things came to fruition. I am so sorry for all of it. I wish I could change so many things...
I am trying so hard not to waste my life. I am doing everything I can to make sure that when its required of me to give an answer for my actions I have one and that its been fixed. I want to prove that I am a good person. I don't want to be chained to that one decision. I want to move on from it.

I have to send this in 2 posts, so this is the end of part one as I think I'm nearing the end of my 100 lines of text I can send at once
4-29-2016
When Can I Move On? Part 2

I want to move beyond my regret and guilt and shame and the pitiful attitude of laying down to die. I am not satisfied with the man I was so I have decided to change, to fix me. Since ending my life is not an option, I can only do my best to live honorably. But is that OK? Is it OK to move on? Is it OK for me to try now? Is it OK for me to forgive myself? Is it OK for me to accept the forgiveness of another? What is expected of me in this situation? 
My hope is that one day I will have done something productive with my life. That I will have done enough good for enough people that not everyone will define me by my past. That they will look me in the eye with respect. I will do everything in my scope of ability to prevent another me. I will spend the rest of my life searching for those ready to do what I have done and getting them help. I know how to stop them and salvage what's left of their lives. Embarrassing tacticts is not good for anyone, only TV ratings. I can do something about them. And I will. But how do I move on from my own guilt? 
This is what I am going to do. I am going to get up today, I am going to brush my teeth, drink my coffee, read the Word, get dressed and press onward. Everything in me wants to lay down in depression and give up. Giving way for my shame and guilt to once again dictate my life. But I am not. I won't allow that mindset again. I was so ashamed of my homosexuality that my crime was not as bad as being a fag. I was so ashamed of my homosexuality and myself that I did the worst thing possible. Well....NOT AGAIN, NEVER AGAIN! I will NOT be defined by that. Hiding is what got me here, submitting to depression is what got me here, not being true to myself is what got me here, being selfish is what got me here, laying down and waiting for death is what got me here. That is my comfort zone. Well I'm stepping out of that, once and for all and the only way I know how is to be uncomfortable and press on. I have no idea what else to do besides keep trying. I hope that one day, just maybe one day I will not define myself by my past. I am doing everything I know how to move on, but there is no rule book for me to follow. Society is just fine to keep me in here away from them. No further use...I am determined to make damn sure that's not true. No one else is going to do it for me. I have to prove my value and my worthiness to be given a second chance. I will do just that. The question is am I ready?
So today I'm getting up, I am getting ready for the challenges ahead. I am preparing for victory. Maybe along the way I can help a person or two, or maybe get a little help myself. regardless, I am pressing on because that's all I got left to do, keep moving forward.

With Love
Jeff Utnage
4-28-2016
Is It Normal To Have Straight Dreams?

I wonder if a straight man, who is comfortable with his sexuality ever has gay dreams? I had a dream recently where I was at some sort of food preparation establishment and this woman knew I was gay, I knew I was gay yet, for some reason I allowed her to pursue me. I even agreed to date her, more or less because she made me feel comfortable. I looked forward to her getting near me and she made me at ease. Not sure why. In the dream she was trying to convince me to have sex with her in the freezer and I wasn't very happy about the location but agreed. So I waited for her while she left to do something. What perplexes me is my willingness and my internal comfortability with the whole thing. She was well aware of my sexuality and wasn't deterred by it in the least, in fact, I think it was more like a challenge to her. Which is odd.
So here I am in the morning and going through the dream. I am still gay, love men and all their *parts*! When I think of settling down its a man I see. When I think of sex its not a women's body I'm picturing. So I think, could I marry another woman? Maybe, but the sex would never satisfy...I'm afraid that she may have the emotional connection with me but the physical would be nearly impossible. With me ex I had to usually finish from behind so that all I could see was her bottom. It was almost the only way I could perform.
Strange how one sugar induced dream can shed light on a part of you that you packed away already. I don't think its a good idea to allow a woman into my life as a sexual partner, could I? Yeah, I could but I would not be happy sexually which would always leave room for unhealthy attractions. That's just the nature of the beast. Maybe I could try and be celibate, but why? I don't think I'm called to that and I know that the closest I'll ever come to sleeping with a women is maybe a post op woman. Love goes deeper then just sex and if the man of my dreams knows he is a woman, then I'm certainly going to call him a woman and love him as my beloved, sex and all because I fell in love with that person. We would have to make some adjustments sexually but I think it could work if we were together before the full change. After a I'm not straight but gay. I don't know, that's a confusing subject but I know this, I need someone to be able to hear me and not judge me and love me right now, as I am. That's what that woman in the dreams made me feel like, loved and wanted. Curious how my mind interpreted that as a feminine trait when I desire those things from a man with a package...but whatever.
Thanks for listening to my mind roll around today! I guess its a human trait to have to reaffirm your values and character. Perhaps one day I'll hear some of yours?

With Love
Jeff Utnage
4-27-2016
I Am...
I have had to re-answer this question for myself so many times over the years. I am what? Its used to be a negative answer, or one I was ashamed of at least. Recently its been "I am...whatever, you figure it out." 
I have seen my negativity and it bothers me. Its counterproductive and doesn't allow for a positive outcome. So I will answer this question again, but for today. Today, I am a Christian. Unapologetically.
Yeah, Christians really bother me. I mean, really get my nerves quaking. Yeah, their ridicule has left me without a big loving Christian network to depend on. But there are some who understand that my walk with God is my walk with God. Theirs is theirs.
I can/have been very hard on them for their intolerance and a big part of me wants to continue in that until I hurt emotionally and "win" whatever battle it is I'm fighting. The flaw in my plan? They are not the enemy. I am not my own avenger. In my faith in my belief, God says "vengeance is Mine". Meaning that only God is allowed to repay evil. Not me, not you. I have been so foolish in my ranting and inner anger that I have nearly lost sight in this place. My fight is against intolerance and darkness. 
This morning I repented for my actions and I have many flaws that are in my life. I confessed and now I have to get to work. I am flawed. But beautifully crafted and loved and so are you. You too were beautifully crafted and I want you to know and believe that we are never 'to far gone' and that everyone makes mistakes. My most recent was pride, so we confess to God, ask for help and then move on. That doesn't make you look weak or helpless. Some laugh at people who answer to something unseen, like God. But on the contrary, for me, proof has already been supplied of His existence. Your proof may be different, your need more complex or desire unfulfilled. But for me, the burden of proof was on God and He delivered. I am not ashamed of that, nor will I ever be. So yeah, I am a Christian. I have many brothers and sisters, millions in fact. We are individually imperfect but together as a whole we are the Body Of Christ and need one another to function. I pray I don't lose sight of that ever again. God help me, Amen.
Just because I follow God doesn't mean I am not still gay. I am still very gay and have no plans of changing that. Although last night I did have a dream I was falling in love with a women, albeit a women I have never met. I remember she was 100% accepting of me and the attraction was strong, but she was a rebel and was trying to have physical contact with me in places that were hardly appropriate. Perhaps last night I had to much chunky peanut butter. anyway, my point is this, I don't have to not be gay to follow God or become something different to be loved by Him. He loves me right now and I want to honor that with good decisions. Like not cussing, which is hard for me, and not talking crap about every one of His judgmental children. So I am real, of something I can't be. I can be a better person and that is what I'm doing. 

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469
H3 B 120 U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

As always, feel free to write.
4-26-2016
Insensitivity: What To Do?

Our facility implemented new cultural and general awareness themes for each month. Like May is Asian/Pacific Islander month. So there will be educational materials floating around, a poster or two, some crafts to see and perhaps a workshop...all possible and fantastic. What's not good is that months that inmates are intolerant to like April is Sexual Assault Awareness. A topic that should absolutely be brought up and education be done. The victims recognition and understanding what they go through is paramount to recovery on all accounts and change on the inmates part.
So why an inmate would tear that down so people can't sign up is beyond me. People work so hard on these things because they are important and relevant to a positive environment. I can't even guess. What I do know is that white supremast groups and other hate filled factions that are based in race supremacy are mad that other topics are being brought to the table. You know why they're mad? I'll tell you, its because they're way of life is dying. They're platform is shrinking and they're grip is being demolished because less and less people are afraid of them. They're terror is dwindling and nothing could make me happier. I have to say that our new administration so far seems to be highly effective. I say that because there is some serious divisions being made in regards to opinions of the new attitude. I think I've heard more whining from staff then inmates when it comes to the new administration. I think it's because of the new gender, its no longer being run by men and racist, piggish and self-entitled women beaters who think that a women's place is beneath them don't like being told what to do. Honestly it warms my heart to see these men around here so fired up. Guess what, the bigotry is on its way out and hopefully anyone who likes it.
Perhaps more important is the "prison"' life and what happens here is dying. Which means the reign of hate is ending and something new is coming. Hopefully, something better. I wish that I wave of my little fairy scepter could fix it all right now. Hopefully we can convince bigots to stop ripping down educational posters because it threatens their thinking, yeah oh no, you might have to change. Oops! Sorry, not sorry. 
Before I end this, I wanted to touch on Xulhaz Mannan, Editor of Gay rights magazine "Roopbaan". Through seas and lands and religions and tyrannical countries we are united as brothers and sisters and when one of us is hurt, we all feel it. To the current staff of Roopbaan, don't lose heart and keep on printing. This kind of act is absolutely despicable and the men/group who 'hacked' Mannan are fear filled cowards who will have to face the Alpha and the Omega, may God forgive your corrupted minds. 
Stay safe Bangladesh, spread love and peace by loving those who persecute you. I know, easy to say and hard to do. You are all in my heart, dreams and prayers

Jeff Utnage Prisoner 823469
H3-B-120-U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA. 98520
4-27-2016

Top Or Bottom: My Most Frequently Asked Question By Straight Men

I feel its necessary to answer this question in here. I could easily tell them to kiss off. But, that would just fuel further dislike and contention. I would often have to think about it to try and explain that in a gay relationship there is no traditional male to female interaction sexually. But that seems to be the only kind they can wrap their heads around. 
When I tell them that gay men who seek relationships aren't usually just a top or just a bottom its confusing to them. I know that if a gay man puts he's a top only in his profile he is telling me two things 1) this is sex only 2) he's emotionally not available which to me equates with danger. Why danger? Because I equate these guys to the married men who are ashamed of their true sexuality and after sex can express that shame in many ways including violence. This puts us at risk for becoming victims. Which is not OK, obviously.
This isn't always the case, I know that. For instance I prefer to bottom, and that means nothing more than I enjoy sex with my partner. And because my partner would be the top usually doesn't mean anything more then that's our preference. I am more talking about the online hook ups and the seedy websites that make random sexual encounters easy. That's what these guys who ask me if I am a top or bottom are equating me too, cheap. I do get offended but I have to remember that they aren't consciously calling me that. They are just curious and their preconditioned idea of what being gay really is, is wrong. 
We aren't playing the role of a female or trying to play house as grown men. I am gay. Meaning that I have gay men's tendencies and my traits are homosexual. If I switch my hips and Sashé across the room its not because I'm confused about gender its because I'm gay and I want to. It doesn't mean that I am anything other then gay. I have feelings that run deep about this. Its an educational thing, an ignorance thing. Frankly, why do straight men want to know anyway? Why do they care if I give or take more often? I wonder what it is they want to hear? Do they want to hear me say it out loud as if I should be embarrassed? Well I'm not, I'm gay and that means that I love penis and I'm not ashamed of that. Being able to have sex is amazing and I am grateful that I have a few spots to stick something so amazing as a penis and I'm good with that. No shame here, love it actually, sends me right through the roof in ecstasy. But why would a straight man want to know that?
Nevertheless I answer like a trained monkey and tell myself that I'm educating others by transparency. Making the seedy, secret world of LGBTQ accessible. I know that the more stupid questions I answer the less likely they are to dislike LGBTQ because its no longer something they don't know. Now they know a gay guy and can work on acceptance??? I guess.

With Love,
One Sassy Bottom...LOL!
Jeff Utnage 823469
www.jonathankenangordon.name/jongordon

Thanks/Praise to God

©PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
part 3:

Where in any of all those "NO's" are we ever called what we truly are: HUMAN BEINGS?

Once a person is labeled as a Felon, or called a: thief, murderer, rapist, drug dealer...ect 

He/she looses any individuality & is thrown in a class/category that describes him/her with the most horrendous images:

Images that provoke raw emotions such as:

Fear, apprehension, distaste, distrust, discomfort, hate, abhorrence, & prejudice...

Now the general public has a reason to look down upon another person, elevate themselves & feel: "Holier than Thou."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those labels are a PRISON!!!

The prison has huge brick walls with huge letters spray painted on then that broadcasts us as: FELONS, CRIMINALS, THUGS, GANGSTERS...

The walls the labels are attached to prevent people from getting in & prevent the real person behind the labels from getting out & being seen...

Instead of seeing me, you see the label in front of me...

But in reality my friend, the label confines you in more than it confines me in

If your prejudice prevents you from talking to me, from seeing me for who I am, from going to this place, or going to that place because of the "Type" of people who are there....

Than you are in a bigger prison than I am...it's called PREJUDICE!!!

When is society gonna be released from the prisons of labels & prejudice?

Give their brains & hearts FREEDOM!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEE ME FOR WHOM I AM!!!

WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I REFUSE TO LET YOU DEFINE WHO I AM:

Call me what you want!!!

Your labels, names, categories & descriptions

DO NOT DEFINE ME!!!

I refuse to let your perception classify & identify me

I speak for myself, I have my own brain, I have my own will, I have a tongue, I have 2 lips, I have 2 jaws, I have a larynx, I have a voice 

AND I WILL SPEAK UP & I WILL BE HEARD!!!

BECAUSE PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for your time!!!

Jonathan Gordon 793350
H2B115L
Stafford Creek Corrections Center 
Aberdeen,WA 98520


Remember to post comments to our articles
Remember to sign up for our RSS feed to receive updates when they are posted
Remember to add/link us to your social media networks!!!
www.jonathankenangordon.name/jongordon

Thanks/Praise to God

©PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
part 2:

STIGMAS ATTACHED TO A NEGATIVE SYSTEM OF NOMENCLATURE:

I AM: bones

I AM: tissue

IAM: muscles

IAM: blood

IAM: nails

IAM: hair

WHY?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because: PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!

Society & the media have a cold, calculating way of attaching labels to everyone

When the labels are bad, they are meant to "Demonize" dehumanize, strip a person of his/her dignity & make them into a monster.

When people hear the label, they are conditioned to kept away from him/her like they have a contagious disease
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Being the fact that I, & others who are in prison are locked up, being punished, serving a debt to society

At the same time we are being: segregated, ostracized, outcasted & tortured

Labeled & named

The punishment doesn't start with a guilty plea or guilty verdict

The conviction doesn't start with a guilty plea or guilty verdict

IT STARTS WITH THE MEDIA!!!

When a person is arrested, his/her face is plastered all over TV & newspapers

The media finds the most ugly looking mugshot they can of the "accused" person

When "normal" people in society see the image, they say: "Man that guy/girl looks crazy...He/she looks like a criminal, I bet he/she is guilty."

The person is called a: thief, murderer, rapist, drug dealer...ect
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After his/her debt to society is served, the punishment don't stop, the repercussions don't stop

He/she goes for a job, & are told: "No, we can't hire you...you're a FELON!"

He/she tries to get a house & are told:
"No! You can't live in our neighborhood. You're a FELON!!!"

He/she tries to get a driver's license

He/she wants to vote

He/she wants to get a loan

But all he/she hears is "No, No, No, you're a FELON!!!"

When are we ever told: "YES!!! BECAUSE YOU ARE A HUMAN!!!"

WHY?

Because PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for your time!!!

Jonathan Gordon 793350
H2B115L
Stafford Creek Corrections Center 
Aberdeen,WA 98520


Remember to post comments to our articles
Remember to sign up for our RSS feed to receive updates when they are posted
Remember to add/link us to your social media networks!!!
www.jonathankenangordon.name/jongordon

Thanks/Praise to God

©PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
part 1:

I came from the seed of Adam & Eve just like you

I was in the womb for 9 months just like you

I breathe the same air as you too do

I eat the same foods that you too do

I drink the same water from the same rivers that you do

When I am at home, I walk & drive down the same streets as you do

I shop at the same stores as you do

I watch the same TV shows & listen to the same music as you do

WHY?

Because my friend, PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To society & the U.S. Census Bureau I am nothing but a NUMBER....

Another statistic, just another poor black man who got locked up again because he can't stop committing crimes

To DOC & the Prison Industrial Complex, I am nothing but an: Offender, Inmate, "Recidivist" & most of all a $$$$

To my family, I am a: Son, a Brother, an Uncle, a Nephew, a Cousin,
person whom they all LOVE!!!

To myself, I AM: A Man, a Muslim, Jonathan Gordon, A HUMAN BEING, with a heart, a soul, a mind, wants, desires, likes, dislikes, goals, accomplishments

WHY?

Because: PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I told you what I am, now I'll tell you what I AM NOT:

I AM NOT: a prisoner, I am just a person who is in prison

I AM NOT: an offender

I AM NOT: a slave

I AM NOT: a label

I AM NOT: a DOC number

I AM NOT: any label

I AM NOT: what others define me as

I AM NOT: going to allow others to dictate who I AM!!!

WHY??

BECAUSE PEOPLE IN PRISON ARE REAL HUMAN BEINGS TOO!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Thanks for your time!!!

Jonathan Gordon 793350
H2B115L
Stafford Creek Corrections Center 
Aberdeen,WA 98520


Remember to post comments to our articles
Remember to sign up for our RSS feed to receive updates when they are posted
Remember to add/link us to your social media networks!!!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

4-24-2016

Preparing For What's Ahead: Psychologically Lacking

I personally try to be prepared for whatever's next. Traditionally I have been a slacker, lazy and a major procrastinator. Unless I wanted something, then I was all hands in. Its a trait that I hated about myself so I sought to change it. I attributed energy and drive to weight. Don't ask why, but I think its because internally I blamed my obesity for my lack of drive and just made a mental note. A note that I still carry around I guess. Whenever my body aches, or I am to tired to do something I immediately go to "its because I'm letting myself get fat again" in my head. I fail to realize that I have an OK body. I am 185 lbs and realistically that is OK. I am a healthy guy. 
My battle inside my head is what hinders me the most. As I think with everyone who is not satisfied. Its your own doing. We are only limited by our imagination. I struggle to prepare myself for whatever is around that corner and to tackle it. I still want that image of myself to be realized. Which is when I am confident I am very thin, hair perfectly done, white teeth and clear skin. Then I'll be able to conquer everything and anything. That's the battle I speak of for me. I have always allowed something to stand in my way and its almost always my own image.
Not allowig myself to move forward without this winning body is extremely egotistical and something that I am beginning to resent....alot. Placing the blame squarely on my shoulders, its time I do something different and go after the next step in my life right now. I am beautifully flawed and I have to be okay with that, even if I'm not. So the process starts now, we are beautiful, wonderful people who are go getters as we are. The image of who we think we should be isn't necessarily the image of who we really are or will be. Its an alter-ego that lives in all of us. I am personally going to absorb the traits, realize its just me, right now and go and conquer the world. 

I'm never going to just lay down.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469
4-25-2016

LGBTQ Confessions

I only have 100 lines of space that I can send out of this machine at a time. Space restrictions won't allow all the homosexual confessions I have been hoarding through the years. I will say that just yesterday I had three new men come out to me. Each one feeling a burden lift and whispering their insides to me. I listen to each of them as if it was the first time I had heard such a thing. Now we have this common thread that ties us together. Nothing binds like a secret.
It used to make me uncomfortable when someone came out to me. More like, I knew that they were about to hit on me. That part still frustrates me, but its no longer an insult. I was never the guy that took being hit on well, not as a teen or any other time. It never complimented me but offered embarrassment instead.
However, it happens daily now. This has given me an opportunity to come to terms with my sexuality and others. I am able to compartmentalize much better now and guide these confessing men into a much healthier state of mind. Because I don't think many of them are gay. I believe the majority of them would hump a pillow with a hole in it if given the chance and thoroughly enjoy it. But, I don't insult them. I let them offer their spiels, instructing them on what not to say. Like don't tell me I have a fat ass and then slap something jiggly like a pound of butter and expect me to jump for joy at the idea. 

Men will keep hitting on me and I'll keep coming to terms with it. Doing my best to keep them at an arms length while still being able to help the ones that are really gay.

With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469
Elective Inmate Behavior Tracking Site Accessible To All

What if that were around? You could update it and get the info verified through staff or paperwork. I imagine it to be a website that you would be able to prove what your doing is different. Something that when a future landlord or employer wants to know what kind of felon you are/were, rightfully so btw, you'll have an answer for them. You could say well, "go to blah blah blah site and enter my name and you'll see that I've been updating it throughout my incarceration, allowing you to witness my change. Or proof, if you will, that not all inmates or felons are the same. We are as different as the sand of the sea.
Part of the drive behind this is to clearly divide the good from the bad, the willing from the unwilling. Here is what I mean. A guy comes in here for something awful, but, while he's here he transforms into a powerful leader and effects change in many around him. Then someone else who hates that, mainly those that refuse to change, come along and fake the change. Which you can do. For a short time. Then when everyone finds out that he didn't change, he's just a hustler and a swine, then the guy who was trying to do good and transformed himself suddenly becomes a victim of the bad guy himself and is yoked together with the 'unchangeable'. 
But, what if I got out and my entire prison experience is 100% transparent? What if I allowed my progress to be tracked and reached mile stones and was honest about my set backs and mistakes. What if I could prove that I did something different then the group of white supremacists or the gangsters or the drug dealer while incarcerated? What if I could prove that there is two kinds of inmate, those who changed and those who didn't and here's the difference? Would that kind of openness get you more engaged? Would that make me more hirable and make it easier to move on? Would that make me trustworthy again? Would that be enough to help restore my honor? Whatever it takes because I want to be successful and I want to end LGBTQ in prison. I want to help correct what got me here and then prevent someone else from doing the same thing, not by scaring them, by actually giving a damn and helping. Someone told me that was impossible. You know what, for them it is impossible, for me its entirely possible. watch me.

With Love Dears
Jeff Utnage 823469
www.jonathankenangordon.name/jongordon

Thanks/Praise to God

APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH:
part 5:

Here's some more 2012 statistics from the National Center For Injury Prevention and Control Division of Violence Prevention,
for you:

Among high school students:

• 12.5% of Native American/Alaskan Natives/Hawaiian/Pacific Islander students 

• 8.6% of African American students

• 8.2% of Latino students

• 7.4% of white students

• and 13.5% of multiple-race students,

reported that they were forced to have sexual intercourse at some time in their lives

============================

Among adult women surveyed in 2010:

• 26.9% of Native American/Alaskan Natives

• 22% of non-Latino African Americans

• 18.8% of non-Latino Whites

• 14.6% of Latinos

• and 35.5% of women of multiple races experienced an attempted or a completed rape at some time in their lives.

============================

Among sexual violence victims raped since their 18th birthday:

• 31.5% of women and 16.1% of men reported a physical injury ad a result of rape

• During 2004-2006, an estimated 105,187 females and 6,526 males aged 10-24 years

Were treated in emergency rooms in the USA for injuries from a sexual assault

============================

Rape results in about 32,000 pregnancies a year

============================

Thanks for your time!!!

Jonathan Gordon 793350
H2B115L
Stafford Creek Corrections Center 
Aberdeen,WA 98520


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www.jonathankenangordon.name/jongordon

Thanks/Praise to God

©THE STREETS SWALLOWED HIM UP:

Broke, starving, fed up, & lost with nowhere to go...

His heart is hardened by all the stresses & strains

So he be actin buck wild, because it lessens the strain

He up all night walking the dangerous streets & riding metro buses & trains

With years in his eyes he wishes he had a stable life & a home 

With all the basic amenities, like: warm room, mattress & a clean pillow where he can lay his dome

His day to day existence consists of: Having to go to stores stealing in order to get a decent meal

And when wanna trade in his ole tragedy clothes for fresh gear, he gotta roll out to the mall & steal

He ain't afraid of security or cops, after years of hustling, he's acquired nerves of steel

Because at least if he do get caught

He'll be up in County where he's entitled to 3 hots & a cot

He's sick of the homeless shelter, sleepin in an open dorms smelling: feet, halitosis, armpit, booty & jungle rot

He can't sleep because sounds of snoring dope sick addicts who getting their first sleep in days

And just like that, as soon as the sun shines her first rays--

We eatin breakfast, then it's back out to the streets & back up to our sinister ways

Which consists of:
Hustlin, scrapin, scrappin, spare changin & scroungin

This a 24-7 endeavor/operation, so there ain't time for stoppin, givin up, relaxin, or loungin

Every second awake is spent gettin doses up

Every second awake is spent on the blade posted up

Waiting for the next mark to get close up

So he can move in like a Rattle Snake & strike

He'll get em for anything he can, from a pack of squares, to cash or a bike

He'll even get em for things of no value to him or things he don't even like

Because he knows he can sell, trade, or pawn anything to someone-- somewhere

Out there, cats is hungry as heck & do what they got to with not a single care

He thinks being homeless it's the worst thing in the world & don't nothing else compare

Man, life just ain't meant to be fair

People out here dying everyday, getting robbed every night, but there ain't no time to be scared

It's a life with no pity, no compassion, with problems & drama comin by the bulk

He believes Grown men/women don't walk their heads down, cry or sulk

All he can do is try to hold himself together like the incredible hulk

He holds on to the hope that he won't get rabbit earred/pealed

He holds in to the hope he & none of his road dogs will get killed

And he holds on to the hope that he'll make it out

Find him a job, make steady paychecks, get a car & a house

But for now, SURVIVAL is what it's all about!!!

Thanks for your time!!!

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4-23-2016

Hiring Prison Gang Affiliates and Members: Should Employers Know Of Your Prison Activities?

First of all my opinion is yes. Yeah, what you did in prison should absolutely be available to future employers, without a doubt. By knowing that your prison life doesn't stay in prison, I know that many guys would walk a different path if they knew it would be public information.
I almost wish there could be a website like prisonprofile.whatever and our infraction history, stg (special threat group/ gang affiliate), counselor notes and observations and positive programming could be reported to. This way when an ex-con goes to an interview his potential employer has a better idea of what kind of inmate they're dealing with. Perhaps even explain a few of those tattoos.
So often men make mistakes and as a result they come to prison. This has become the societal standard. That person comes to prison and learns to be calloused and react violently and click up with ridiculous prison gangs and treat people horribly. Like throw urine and feces on officers simply because they were doing their job. Is this the guy you want on your crew. The poo thrower? Hardly. Or how about the racist? Do you want him on your payroll? The guy that would stab, rape, name call, beat someone who is not the same race as him? How about him? Would you hire him?
What if he said this as an answer for his behavior: "I did it to survive, if you haven't been here you wouldn't understand that I was forced to do those things". Then he might follow up with "I love everyone, all that's behind me now". Yet it was only two weeks ago he was released directly from ad seg for violence. 
Let me just end that excuse, I'm in prison and I haven't joined any gang, I haven't beaten any body up, I haven't begun racially motivated anything and I haven't done any drugs. I have seperated myself from those guys because when I leave this place I want to be able to say, I became a better person and not some prison thug. The bottom line is you do have a choice to make when you come here. You can choose to do those things or not. There is a whole crowd of people who don't do those things who act normally in here.
I truly believe that if men coming through for the first time knew that if they join a prison gang and act unruly it will be publicaly accessible information and will absolutely deter them from being so violent. It will immediately make them think about their future and what their actions say about them.
Men in here have multi racial families yet are I here submitting to racially motivated prison gangs and mentalities. What would their children who are mixed think of that? "oh kids, you know daddy loves you". That's some mixed signals huh?
There doesn't need to be some radical change on the states part to end recidivism. The public needs to be more engaged. DOC needs to be transparent, by so does the inmates. We need to be held accountable for our actions and for so long this place has been a place to hide. Well, let's end that. If a system like this were created, something that highlighted what we do with our time, good and bad, it would only take a few years to catch on and be effective. It would give those guys who ARE trying to better themselves a chance to show their progress and those whose aren't trying will be found out. It might force some guys to look deeper in themselves to change...
Be expecting to hear more about this and if you'd like to help create such a system, contact me through jpay.com or write to me below.
With Love
Jeff Utnage 823469
h3-b-120 u
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA. 98520