Friday, February 26, 2016


Two Topics Today:
1) Donald Trump SLAYING The Debates Last Night
2) I Need Help With Technology!

I will start with topic #2 first though. What I need help with is the technology part of this website. First off, I don't have access to it directly so everything that I do is highly limited. What I need is someone who can help make my site more visible. I would like to raise awareness about LGBTQ inmates and get people involved, even if it's only reading about our struggle and offering verbal support. Many times it's just nice to see that someone gave a crap long enough to read. However, getting people more involved is what is necessary to invoke change here. Inmates are trying to change on their own, however, sometimes we need a little help with guidance. That's where you can come in. You values and your compassion can change a world. Just saying.

So if there is anyone who can do some simple things to help bring more attention to this site, please offer some suggestions that a person with no tech exp. can do. My mother updates this and she has never done this, she is a smart lady, but this is new territory for her. I would appreciate some help! :)

Topic 1) Donald Trump is a business man. I like him only because he is shaking up politics. Politics is ugly and cumbersome. Those who are usually involved are over-privileged and don't know a thing about the middle-class. There are whole colleges and degrees associated with how to be a politician. Then here comes Trump and just massacres their game. I LOVE IT! He may be somewhat anti-lgbtq but what he is doing now is paving a pathway for the next group of people to come in in 4 years. He is single-handedly changing the face of politics and thank God for it. DC needs a face lift and I think Trump is just the guy for it.

Think of it this way, if Trump knows businesses. He knows how to make money, that is. If he comes to Presidency as a business minded man, then he will treat the USA as the largest business in the world. Since we all know that his ego is just big enough to think he can run it, we know that he will do everything in his wheelhouse to make the new business money and lucrative for those invested. It just so happens that if we all live in the USA and every American is needing money then that would mean that we need someone in office who knows how to make money...right? Who better to make money then Trump. The guy doesn't like to fail, we all know that. So, if the USA is a business and we are all residents of that business, that means that we are the employees of that business. The more that business makes, the more it's employees make...keep that in mind. Bad business, bad money for the employees, good business, good money for the employees. That's the way that I see it anyway.

I know that Trump has his flaws and his experience in high-level politics is limited to financial donations and rubbing elbows with them long enough to sway their vote. But you know what...we already know that about him. There is no secrets with him that we don't know about. We know his agenda, we know his strong suits and his weak suits. Why not exploit that for everyone's benefit? Why not use his talents for the country. Get some money flowing through this joint then replace him in 4 years with someone who has better foreign relation policies who can use Trump's newly created landscape to promote a healthier presidency and continue his model of efficiency with our money. Wouldn't that be the smart thing to do. His actions will be clearly seen while he is in office, he won't be able to hide his actions, so...let him do his thing, then take notes and give it to the next guy. If he does a good job, let him stay. If not, take the good things he does, take notes and pass them along.

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469 hope to hear from you soon, will reply to everyone that wants one!

Judgementalism On My Part: How To Stop It

Something that I found out about myself a while ago is that I am a self-defeater. I will make a snap judgement about someone based on there appearance. For example: In prison there are racial/gang divisions that are prevalent. So, in order to avoid getting involved with certain types of people I will look for the appearance first, like shaved heads, lots of tattoo's and a beard. That tells me that person is a white supremist. If the person is black, walks slow, talks about pimping and how many b*****s they got on the line I would assume that they are gangsters and hate white people.
So obviously there were some problem admitting when I am wrong. Sometimes I was spot on, but instead of getting to know any of them, I would see those key markers, make my decision and then boom, that was it. I wouldn't talk to them, look at them, make deals with them, They had nothing coming from me ever. When they tried to talk to me I gave short, curt answers to piss them off and keep them away from me. Anything to avoid them really.
Then I went through this program, its called Redemption. I might get in trouble for saying it's name, but I don't care, it's a great program and really helped me in a big way. The whole point of the program is to end the old prison culture, declare a new one and break the barriers that we as inmates put in place, like segregation. Anyway, during the first few weeks of the class I was highly guarded. Then something happened about 3/4 way through. This man, whom I knew to be a white supremist, he had been locked up since he was 16, and was now in his 40's who hated sex offenders and gays and everyone who wasn't in his immediate circle. This man told a story that changed my whole view, he spoke of a childhood experience that I identified with. Specifically his father would give him pets to raise, then, when his father was feeling that his frequent beatings weren't pleasing him enough, meaning that they weren't cowering anymore, he made the boy slaughter his pets.
As you could imagine, he told this story with such matter-of-fact-ness, such vivid detail you could tell that 40 years later it still haunted him. I could see the pain in his eyes as he told the story and I began to cry. Mainly because I could feel his pain, not in a metaphorical sense, but I could truly see the pain welling up inside him. I took that opportunity to thank him in front of everyone for sharing such a powerful and private thing. He was immediately humanized to me. I could see him for the man he is, not the outer shell that he portrayed and he responded wonderfully to it. He broke his own barriers and suddenly we talked outside the group and said hello on the breezeway and nodded to each other in visit. There was this amazing underlying "I get you" that both of us respected and he wasn't the only one that happened too.
This whole experience got me to see people for the people that they are, to not judge them. To take the time and give an olive branch to everyone. What if I don't and that is the one person who will be my friend forever, what if that man passing by on the street that looks angry needed just one person to ask him "what's wrong and how can I help?" what I operate that way and it has done something unthinkable, it's create a giant network of friends and pillars of support.
It's up to me to provide the information that people have about me. It's up to you every time you talk to someone that is another chance to update their central file on you. Whether it's a positive exp. or a negative. I live by that.

With Love

Jeff Utnage

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


I stood by the bathroom and waited. There were four of them standing inside the little room talking. I politely stood outside and waited for a few to clear out so I could use the place. Two came out and another stood inside looking out through the window at me smiling. I didn't know him. He had tried to speak to me several times and I all but ignored him. His presence always made me feel uncomfortable. It was something about him that spoke to my instinct, every fiber of my being told me to stay clear and I did.
He stood there smiling and then turned around to use one of the three stalls. I had been standing there waiting politely for a few minutes now and had to urinate badly. So against my better judgement I went in anyway. There were three stalls, the end one was being used by a muslim, he was sitting down, the other (the smiling one) was urinating in the closest one to the door. This left me the middle one. I almost turned around and waited again but thought; were all men and this is prison, we should all be used to this kind of exposure and I have never come across as a peeping tom or sexually advancing to anyone. So I stepped in the middle stall and that's when he spoke.
He said "uh-oh" and the sitting man, whom I could see because there are no stall dividers curled himself up on the toilet as small as he could to hid as much skin as possible and the other began making lewd comments about fags in bathrooms and chuckling to himself. I struggled to finish now because for some reason I was embarrassed. I felt my cheeks turn red from shame and felt I had done something wrong that implied I had encroached on them and not a public space. That man was successful in making me feel ashamed when all I was doing was peeing, in the only place I could. There are no other bathrooms to use, only that one. He had set it up like that to intentionally embarrass me, intentionally waiting just so that he could create an awkward situation and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. I had no idea what was about to happen in there, there were several men in there at first one of which was significantly larger then me and smiling at me. I boldly went in there because I can't...won't live in fear.
Out of the possibilities that could have happened in that bathroom I left there with the least noticeable of them. After all it was just my pride that was hurt, but it just as well could have been something much more serious. And what could I have done? 
So I left there when I was finished and was angry that he had done that. My nerves were shaken and my body tense. I went back to my work area and was kind of suspended in thought. Unsure if I should tell anyone at all, they would not understand anyway. They would tell me I was over-reacting or something. Maybe I was over-reacting? Perhaps, but after I just couldn't shake the anger I went to a fellow worker and explained what had happened. I tried to confide in a straight man who proclaimed to protect the weak among his people. He told me that should have expected that and that after all, I was gay.
What the hell does that mean? The other guys malice was my fault? 

And people wonder why I beg for a support group to confide in. I tried to confide in a straight man and was completely embarrassed again. I can't wait to finally get some support.

With Love, stay strong fellow LGBTQ family! Don't let anyone treat you badly.

Jeff Utnage

Being Grateful:

Coming to prison is an educational experience. But you don't have to come here to learn the lessons. Something that will stick with me for the rest of my life is the people that communicate with me in here. I cannot describe the feeling properly and do them justice for the actual experience. I have no metaphor to convey the happiness that overcomes me when I hear from my loved ones and friends.
I want to take the time to thank my Mother. that woman is a saint. I won't talk about her to much, but I will say this. I lack nothing. So, Mother, thank you.
I am humbled by her love because me coming to prison was an embarrassment to her. Even though she had nothing to do with it, my decisions were and still are my own. She doesn't have any part in them. She still had to face the world and all I had to do was come in here. She had to pick up the pieces of my broken life and she did it with poise and grace and love. I sit in here and work on myself. I feel awful that I left her in the position that I did, but she just walks on and does it with such grace that she has become one of my heroes.

Just wanted to say that.

Thanks to everyone who communicates with me, you make me feel human and I promise that I will not bring you shame, I will do what is necessary to fix myself and honor myself and you.

Jeff Utnage 823469

Supporting Your Local Inmate: What Kind Of Support Do We Need? How Can You Help?

Supporting inmates comes in various ways. However, it's not just a Christmas card with no return address on it. No way for us to write you back. The kind of support that we need from the outside world is normalcy. We need people that are able to stand on their own two feet and provide emotional stability while we figure out how to stabilize ourselves. We need a pillar. 
Sometimes that pillar takes on many types of support. For instance, shoes. We need shoes, there is no way to get around it. If we work out and go to work here, it's almost impossible for us to buy them on our own but we need them. DOC will only provide us shoes every 12 months or so and if they are bein ran in, worked in and worn everywhere else then they wear out rather quickly causing all kinds of medical problems. So that is one way. But don't let a prisoner fool you, guys in here are crafty. 
What I mean is this, sometimes a guy will get as many people as he/she can to buy them stuff, then before you know it they have multiple food packages and material packages and all kinds of money on the books because they are hustling all kinds of people. So do this to protect yourself, don't buy things for an inmate for the first 6 months. Make us get to know you, unless you just like to spend money frivolously, in which case...write me, I could use a few things. 
Guys here will compare notes and counsel each other on how to get the most out of their contacts. I hear it all the time about how a guys is having all kinds of girl trouble, then I find out that the trouble is actually the girl had to choose between paying her rent and buying him a food package and he is demanding that she buy him a food package...Some trouble. Guys will go to great lengths to get monetary things from people, including pretend to be gay and write dirty letters and call on the phone and talk like they are gay. When in fact they get visits every weekend from their wives and they have no idea that their husband is pretending to be gay throughout the week for jpay money.
Regardless of the bad things, there are plenty of men who need real support. Books and Bibles and art supplies. It's nice to be able to buy a song that we heard recently or listen to a song that has nostalgia for us. Its even nicer to really connect with someone. Someone who is normal and can help recenter us in life. We don't need you to rescue us, what we do need is you to listen to us while we figure things out. We at least need the opportunity to sound manic for a few months and then we need you to tap the back of our heads and tell us to knock it off. It's nice to really connect with someone finally.

That is the kind of support we need. All kinds. We need volunteers to come in and help revive our programs and our dying education. We need religious direction and emotional support.

That's all for now, thanks for listening, I am always here to answer questions!

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469
The Liberation Of Coming Out

Coming out for many adults is a terrifying event. can be. For some it's as easy as "yup, totally gay, deal with it" and then they move on. For others it's more like "Sooo..I am you hate me now" as we lay ducking down waiting for the trauma. 
Ok, well, maybe that is a little dramatic, but you get the metaphor anyhow.
Watching others get comfortable in their own skin is this beautiful thing that I truly derive happiness from. It's what gave me the strength to finally admit my own sexuality and it's something that I wear on my sleeve proudly. More like a badge of honor than something that is to be ashamed of. I have many men here in prison that have noticed my walk in here and despite my own thoughts of uselessness and worthlessness they continue to remind me of the role that I play in their lives. Just like I derive strength from others confidence, so do they draw from mine. 
I think that it's ok to be a little depressed, but we must not ever forget how important we are to our surroundings. Whether we like it or not we have a great impact with our actions rippling far and wide. Coming out is more than this little sentence that we say to loved ones, it's a statement of our boldness to heroicly accept the cards that we were dealt.
It's this way of telling the world "this is me and I am no longer going to pretend that I am this when I am truly that". I love the fact that as the next generation of human beings grow up that the idea of "coming out" is slowly becoming less of a big deal in most areas of the US, it's more like "your gay, so what, get over it." That sounds a little harsh, but that is the very idea of equality, that we are no longer judged based on our genetic differences. I like that idea to. That you don't need to tell your boss that you gay becuase your sexuality isn't seen as a deficiancy, unless you see it as such.
Other places in the world are not so lucky to be able to come out in such a nurturing environment. Not to say ours is perfect, in fact we have years to go, but its better then say Russia or China or parts of the middle east. In many countries they'll still kill you for it. That's a far stretch from our current place. Not to say that things can be any less traumatic. Its a bad thing for an entire family to disown someone and it happens frequently right here. But, my point is this, when you come out and the other people see you come out and it gives then courage for them to come out too then it spreads the acceptance level far and wide. It doesn't have to be a negative ripple effect.
Martin Luther King Jr. said from a jail cell that he doesn't usually take the time to reply to negative comments because if he did then he wouldn't have time to focus on the task at hand. That means that he was bombarded with so much hate and "no's" that he had to constantly block them out. The whole world seemed to be against his idea of "treat me fair!" But that didn't stop him and it certainly shouldn't stop us from being positive lights for others. Don't think that your coming out was for nothing or a selfish act. What you have done is been apart of history and you should be proud of that. 
When the world seems to not think that we should be allowed to marry, or to work certain jobs or be treated with dignity...just know that problem has been around for along time...and its solvable.

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469

This morning I am in a different place in my mind. For some reason things seem a little out of place in the world and I can't quite seem to put my finger on the difference. There is so much happening in our world today. Donald Trump is just smashing the competition in the presidential election, Apple is engaged in a moral fight and both sides seem to have valid points and I can't quite make up my mind on either of them, poisened water systems, crazy weather patterns and all kinds of threats of wars all around us. With our greatest threats remaining somewhat quiet at the moment the world seems just a little on the ominous side.
Then there is my personal life, it seems a little off too. Perhaps just a tooth off what is smooth. I am simply going through the motions every day. I am dog tired all the time, I am not regulating my food intake very well which is having an effect on my emotional state, I don't get very much contact with anyone outside these walls and it is starting to look like home. That's not good in my estimation because I have been locked up for 5 years now and there is always a little bit of institutionalization that goes along with doing time anywhere, but when I don't remember what it's like to be a free man...that's when things get tricky.
I have a birthday coming up in a few days, 2-25, and I haven't heard much family or friend wise. Which isn't to strange, my current outside contacts are fairly busy dealing with my mess and trying to put together their own lives, much less listen to me try and put together my own. I don't like my birthday to be celebrated, there isn't much to celebrate in it now.
I kind of have this thought. I have three children and I can't recognize their birthdays with them. It is gut wrenching. But, it's my own fault and doing that I cannot be there with them and that adds to the misery of watching their special days pass on by. Instead of my birthday being a happy day it brings on a unique kind of pain. I ca't in good spirits celebrate my birthday when the ones that I really care about I it's a kind of punishment to myself I think that I dont like my own. Kind of a "since you can't celebrate your own childrens birthdays you can't celebrate your own you P.O.S."...I guess that's the real attitude I hold.
In truth I may be a little depressed, or alot depressed. I don't try and hide my emotions I typically let them run their course. In my past I would hide them, not really knowing how to deal with them, so everything came out in poor-me's and fits of anger. So dealing with the rainbow of emotions that all of us have is a new thing for fact, just in the past five years or so. I was good at anger, bad at grief, or kindness...they seem like figments of my imagination.
Then I can't seem to get past these walls with my mind. I reach out and I have a hand held out for help and no one is taking it. I am drowning here and everyone seems content to watch it happen. So I am trying to save myself and not let this place take me completely. I don't want to immerse myself in this's disgusting and morbid. I want a new life outside of here, with new friends and loved that I can learn from, assist etc.

Just some thoughts, not very inspiring but that's the thoughts of the day. I guess I am the one who needs inspiring today.

With Love

Jeff Utnage

Refusing Same-Sex Marriage: Religious Freedom To Hate

This subject gets me lit up like a Christmas tree. I can't stand that there are pastor's out there professing to have God's love in their heart and denying two human beings the sanctity of marriage. Bastards. You can't use the bible as a tool to protect your hatred and bigotry. 
Those bigots forget that this trick has already been done before and it never lasts forever. First it was slavery that was the right of people, then it was the oppression of women now it's LGBT. I can twist scripture to make it sound like anything I want and then just call it a new translation, that doesn't make it right.
Kinda like trying to "sell your soul to the devil" like you see in the movies. You can say it, but it doesn't make it so. You can't sell what ain't yours player! Just like you can twist the original message all you want to, but the message stays the same, just your opinion of it is different.
Gay men and women are here and we are here to stay. It's not like this is some new movement that is all of a sudden being birthed by a few radicals. No, homosexuality has been around for as long as the human race has been. It has been said for ever and it still holds true, people hate and kill what they don't understand. Look at Hitler, he tried to eradicate gays during the war, he assigned to them a pink triangle for non jews and a pink triangle with a yellow triangle behind it for gay jews. 
So I'd say congrats preachers, your in the same boat as Hitler...way to represent God...
I'm sure that when you sit on your judgement seat this will be a real highlight of your service here on Earth...good luck.
In the meantime fellow gay and lesbian and all those included, don't be discouraged by the hatred of others. You deserve the contentment of a sanctified and celebrated unity that will last through time. Marriage is indeed a human right. Biblically speaking it ties two souls together making them one soul. Keeping you from adultery. You have that right. Don't let some radical twisted-Christian wannabe ruin your goal of living a healthy and moral life.
I am a Christian and I am proud of that. I wear the marker of Christ on my spirit and body as a tribute to Him who saved me and I am openly gay and I am proud of that too. God made us different for a purpose that is beyond every one's comprehension. He said that he would send the simple to confound the wise and the weak to overcome the strong. He who seeks to be first will be last and he who loses his life for Christs sake will gain it. Not so enigmatic when you are the weak, or the simple or the one who is losing all your freedoms. Only when you are the privileged or self-entitled and think your privileged do you not understand what that means.

Live and live well

It will end sometime, maybe not right now but we must not lose heart not now, not ever.

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469

Should You Expect To Be Treated The Same?

Amid recent news about transgender restroom usage and our own experiences of inequality and lack of full acceptance, the question frequents my mind of should I be treated the same as everyone else? Or is it I expect to be treated differently?
There is a movement called "Black Lives Matter". It's an important reminder that our fight and struggle for full acceptance and equality isn't over. At least in the minds and eyes of some it isn't. Freedom has always and will forever be a state of mind more than it is a physical state. In the eyes and minds of those who feel oppressed we are indeed oppressed and we want something done about it.
The question in my mind is does my life matter? If the ultimate state of mind of equality is to be treated the same as everyone else then why is it we are demanding to be recognized as different? In that case then "All Lives Matter". After all the struggle for equality is no longer about slavery but a state of mind of a grouping of people. If there is not bigotry against blacks then there is bigotry against gays or women or immigrants or the poor or the rich or newscasters or insert your drama hate here...
I carefully consider my pleas for equality because they can quickly become frivolous and unrealistic. This isn't to say that the movements that are out there are frivolous, they are far from it. Black lives do matter and because a white cop is intimidated by black men he shouldn't be trigger happy. That is wrong no matter how you slice it. But when the oppressed get oppressed there are always opportunistic predators that circle the event. Seeking chance to capitalize on someone else's work.
When a man's life gets taken needlessly by those who are hired to be level headed thinkers in hard situations it is tragic. But as the oppressed we need to make sure that when we step up we are attempting to protect the oppressed, not the opportunistic. Gay lives matter, transgendered lives matter, black lives matter, latino lives matter...people matter.
I worry that instead of seeking to get equality we lose sight and start seeking special privilege. What does equality look like? What is the end goal? Is there an end goal? Is it clearly defined as something that is attainable? Has anyone taken the time to figure that out or is it just opportunity to express protest?
In order to be taken seriously as a culture we have to act as a culture that is modern. Not just one race or group needs to unite, it needs to be across the board "this is what equality looks like" type of theme

Just my two cents...

stay great

Friday, February 19, 2016


I see your eyes drifting between my thighs
Wanting what I got ain't no surprise
Salivate tonight and protest me tomorrow
Filling my Sunday's with sorrow
I feel your pain I was once like you
See a man and my balls turn blue
Afraid of what that means
Mind racing through the scenes
Lay with me tonight tell me your in love
My darling, my sweet, we fit like a glove
You'll be here in the morning, i'm sure
Just like our one night love is pure
You wouldn't use me, not with hands like that
Walking all over me like some filthy mat
You want what I got between my thighs
Suck you off and swallow your lies
You beg me for it, you'll pay me even
Just keep your little secret every now and then
Keep your money i'm proudly gay
Get your ass out, your guilt and shame can't stay
I won't apologize or feel sorry, not for you
I made a vow that to myself i'll be true
Strut myself down this street
Proudly gay to every soul I meet
My Sunday's won't be filled with hate
I'll be in the pew, best believe I won't be late
Preach that sermon
Tell everyone i'm vermin
Don't you remember last night
Is this our first lovers fight
When eveyone's around i'm enemy number one
Your filthy rag you publically shun
I'm a proud gay man and i'll stand without fear
I won't cry for Sunday's, not one more tear
God loves me and i'll follow to
I'll be in heaven, no doubt, but will you?

Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford creek correction center
191 Constantine way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

Thanks for reading!

Drawing Nearer To Your Goals: Don't Give Up!

There is a few sayings that elude to not giving up when you are close to finishing. One is about a logger, when the journeymen loggers are sending up a rookie to top the tree everyone is dead silent the whole way up. The rookie climbs in silence and tops the tree carefully, then begins his descent. About 2/3 of the way down the journeymen hollar up "be careful!". The kid gets a little offended and gets down from the tree and starts yelling at the journeymen "I was almost done, you don't know what your talking about, where were you when I was at the top and scared?" The journeymen knew what the kid did not, which was you are most apt to fail when you are almost done and too cocky.
So goes the rest of the stories and metaphors. So often when we are just sure we are in the clear and ready to go we fall because we think that the danger is done when in fact our danger is highest when we are complacent. I was told not to long ago that my group was almost done and here and then low and behold I am put on my call-out to see a sponsor and I get all excited thinking that this is what I have been waiting for. Well, it wasn't, it was to see the sponsor for another program I am involved with. Which, I am leaving in God's hands to guide me in. I was involved with another program and stopped going because of people being double minded. The point of this program is to change prison culture by making good morals the "cool" thing to do. Very difficult for a culture immersed in blood. But it is highly effective. My love is tied up in the program and I backed off only because people involved didn't have others best interest in their hearts but their own. However, I am willing to take part because my goal and this programs goal is the same, which is a safe and happy place to correct yourself and get some much needed personal and psychological help for our deviance's and actually do something with ourselves once we get out, which you best believe we will. 
I say that to say this, I am not discouraged. I am happier then ever. God's plan is not my own and that is fine because He's much smarter then me...So I am going with it. I am ever careful to be diligent to hold myself at an even higher standard then before. Making sure that my conduct is worthy of someone who is trying to lean on the cross. Hopefully in the process people follow the same path and decide for themselves that they too want to be better and leave the old man behind and grow into something new and hopeful. Hopefully.
I know that the prison's LGBTQ community is going to be able to grow and help each other reduce our recidivism by emotionally holding each other up properly and according to the policies provided to us here in prison. While I am ever closer to my goal of seeing a group be accepted here, some who are hate filled are rebelling against us and starting all kinds of horrible rumors and trying to make it so that we are looked at badly still and more so then before. I have this to say to everyone who is trying to bring me down:
Go ahead, I will get up, go ahead, I will rise up still. I may have to fight longer, or harder or educate myself even more, but LGBTQ lives matter and I won't quit until my people are given a chance to help each other and those who are around us to better themselves and our environment. I don't need to change any one's opinions of gays...could care less about them actually. But I will NOT leave this prison system the same man I came in and seeing as how NO ONE is helping me...I am. So go ahead and spread the rumors, go ahead and try. But like Angelou said "I will rise"

With Love

Jeff Utnage

Wednesday, February 17, 2016


Weight Loss:

When I first came to prison I was almost at 300lbs. Embarrassingly. I hated myself at that weight and now that I have lost most of it, I hate the way my body looks now too. I have been trying to get that last little bit off my mid section to reveal the highly formed muscles underneath and every day that I look in the mirror it just pisses me off when I don't see the result that I am wanting...
I don't want to be rail thin skinny, but I want that flat stomach and a waist that's not 37". That number plagues me. I am around 185 lbs now and I float between 180 and 189. But the trade off is that I basically eat what I want. Which isn't above and beyond anyone else, I am highly active and eat around 2500 calories a day. Now I know that if I go down to 1500 calories a day and stay at my current activity level I will lose weight again. But like I said, I don't want to rail thin. I just want that little belly fat gone.
I run 3-5 miles 5 days a week, I do high intensity cardio in the gym probably another 3 days a week and I eat 6 servings of fruit daily to help with my metabolism. I work so hard on getting it gone the healthy way, meaning I'm not starving and I am not breaking my body down doing crazy amounts of burpees every day. So why can't I get that little bit gone? It's like God made me and said "this ones gonna have a little pudge pudge!" NO!!! No more pudge pudge! Change it God, change it! LOL! Grrr!
I am lost with it and I know that the issue isn't my body, it's my thinking. I know that at this point its a body image issue and not a physical problem. Over all I am a healthy person. Except for the two cookies I eat daily. But in my defense I crave some fat because our diets in here are so strange. We don't ever get real food, by real I mean non-processed. With the exception of fruits and veggies and beans a rice. Every kind of protein is processed and cooked at least twice, at least.
So what do I do when I look down at my body and see a morbidly obese man who has failed in life? I look in the mirror and see a man who has a little left, not much, maybe 5 lbs to lose. But then I look down again and I see that grotesquely overweight man I used to be. Fat belly and all. It's like my mind plays tricks on me. It's strange because when I look at a recent picture of me I don't recognize the man that is in them, I am still expecting to see a morbidly fat man and I see someone quite the opposite. So how do I change that?
I think that part of it is to first ask for help. Or maybe what I am doing which is recognizing it for what it is, which is a mental problem and not reality. It has been several years since I have lost my weight and I still think I am fat, how long do you have to be at a healthy weight before your mind realizes that you are fine?
I don't have the answers to these questions but it is a journey for me. I am not going to let myself travel down an unhealthy road again, not in any capacity. I think that what I ultimately want is to be attractive, not skinny. Being attractive in my eyes is confident of yourself and kind, patient. That's attractive, but the body never hurts...just sayin. I have never had someone tell me that I look good and really mean it, I guess I am wanting that?

With Love

Jeff Utnage

Personal Obesity

I want to talk about body image again. I hate my weight. I went to the doctor this morning for a hernia and weighed myself and found out that I am at 190 lbs...not good!

I am completely disappointed in myself and just can't believe that I am here again. I am in full on self-loathing mode!! I work-out regularly and just last week I was running 5 miles every did I gain weight. I eat well, that is how. I know that my dietary habits are ruining my life and in turn I am gaining awful. I get so hungry at around 6 p.m. and there is nothing I can do about it, it's like its programmed into me and unless I gorge myself with about 1500 calories at 4:30 when we eat dinner it is very hard to abstain from eating later at night. Then in turn I can't make it to gym very often as it is and at night time is the worst because I am so tired...I guess welcome to reality Jeff.
I am going to get my butt in gear though. I lost about 120 pounds, well now about 100 pounds and I am scared about getting fat again. It's a phobia at this point. Until that scale says something better I guess I have a lot of work to do. My diet is so consistently processed foods that I try to eat as much fruit as possible...guess that isn't working out as well as I thought it would.

So starting today, I am cutting out the high fat cookies and late night eating, no more top ramen soups and no more fat boy stuff. The hunger pains at 6 I will just have to suffer through.

Wish me strength!

with love

Jeff Utnage

Good Reasons To Never Come To Prison:

There are obvious reasons not to come to prison. There are the typical things that you hear about on tv and hear from the people that didn't really spend any time here. But there are some not so obvious things that just drive you nuts. Here are a few of them, just for fun.

1) Because you might have to hide meat sticks in your boots.
This comes from an old cellmate of mine. He would buy store and then guys would come to our door and start window shopping. All of his store was out on the shelf and he was blind, so it was difficult for him to manage who was looking at his stuff and who wasn't. So we would stick our boots and extra shoes on the top shelf and stuff them full of the most sought after products, like meat sticks. Nothing like having to pull your boots down to get your dinner.
2) Because you may be taking the best crap of your life, but the guy next to you could be having the best meal, on the pot.
This is true for most guys that work prison factories that make food. They'll steal food and stick it in their shirts and then pack it to the only no camera zone in the facility, the bathroom. Then they'll sit down on the pot and start munching their score. Meanwhile, your sitting down just crapping your guts out...awkward. It gets even better when they hold a piece out to you under the stall divider, LOL!
3) Because oils and baby powder aren't cover ups for bad body odor.
There is nothing like stepping outside and taking a big breath of fresh baby powder. I hate the smell of baby powder now, guys in here bath in that garbage and then walk around proud of it. Every step they take another "poof" of fresh powder from between their cheeks comes wafting out for the whole walkway to enjoy...thanks for that. Now the smell makes me gag...Then there is rose oil. There is a real winner. Have you ever gone to the grocery store and walked down the feminine hygiene products isle. Yeah, the tampons and all that, that smell is what these guys will put on to mask their pits. I have told them that they smell like a tampon, but they just giggle and walk on...gross!
4) Cayenne pepper doesn't like to be smuggled...
Your gonna like this...I learned my lesson abut stealing from the food factory. I tried to smuggle back a small package of cayenne pepper, I taped it up to my taint, the patch of skin between your testicles and rectum, and happily walked out. Then, like a trained monkey I grabbed a red pen and thought that would make a great addition to my stash of stolen goods between my legs and used my glove full of pepper as a pin cushion. Only I stuck the pen all the way through in haste. As I walked it worked its way out making it look like I had a small boner and left a hole in the rear of the glove, or right near my hole..yeah. Like every step was excruciating, step...puff...step....puff all the way back to my unit. It was awful. By the time I got back my rectum was swollen up and feeling like it just got maced, because that is exactly what happened. That was the last time I ever stole anything from the food factory. Since then I am proud to say that I have learned my lesson. Nothing like having to tell your cellmate that you have cayenne pepper and its burning and he needs to help you wash it out. BTW, if you ever mace your butt hole, use cold water and soap, NOT hot water...makes it worse..don't ask.

That's all for now. I have lots of memories like this one and I will continue to share with you all the woes and laughs of prison...

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

Tuesday, February 16, 2016


Love is something that I hope for often. I hate thinking about it though. It's like I think to myself that I don't deserve love. Or perhaps I am not meant for it. It doesn't change my yearning for it though. I hope for it all the time. I have tried to envision what my idea of love is and sometimes I just draw a blank. Not knowing what it is going to look like.
So I search for it and try to associate characteristics to my ideal mate and so far all I get is a few basic qualities. Non-judgemental, at least not of me anyway. Someone who is motivated to succeed. Whatever our idea of success is. For me success is happy. Happy is what I am after, not money. I associate happiness with all kinds of things, fit body, healthy body, sound mind etc. I want someone who is confident but not cocky, someone who knows that they are not defined by others opinions and aren't afraid to let it all out and have fun. Someone who can change the atmosphere when they realize it's not suitable for them. LOL! Does that sound unrealistic?
Yeah, I know. That's why I hate thinking about it though because those things come up and I can't see myself with someone who qualifies. I look around me and all I see is projects. No more projects please! I had my share of them in my 11 year thank you! 
Then there is my past, it is well...awful. I don't like talking about it, at least some of it. Some of it is very painful, some of it is just plain embarrassing. I don't mean the kind of embarrassment that you get when your buddy depants you in public, no I mean the kind of embarrassment that is really shame...and for good reason. Who could ever love me? I mean truly, I get rejected for mere friendship, staff and inmates alike just flat out disdain me, if not for my charges then for my sexuality. If they look past those then it's confusing to me.
Yup, love is something that I want very much, I hope for it. I pray for it and get angry with God for not answering me. I get angry when another year passes and I still have no one. But these guys that use women, do the homohustle (guys who aren't gay but use gay men to get money and materials in prison) these guys that are wannabe pimps and just generally bad men they get people who love them all the time. Yet they have no intentions of treating them with any dignity or respect or loving them back. Here I am just hoping for someone to give me a second look.
This all sounds so pouty and pity-partiesh and I hate that too. I don't like feeling sorry for myself and refuse to do it for very long. Now that it's over I can think again finally. Like this elusive love is out of my mind temporarily and now I can start my day. Silly I know...
I want to give my life to someone. You can't do that wholly when you are feeling sorry for yourself. So this is me getting back up, this is me fighting onward and upward. Despite the odds I am going to keep my faith. I am not going to blame God, it's not His fault. He will provide whatever I need, if that means that I get no one...then I guess Jesus is my Husband!
I will keep my spirits and my head held high. I don't care what others think about my past. I can't change it, I can and have changed myself for the better. 

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469

Animal Kingdom: Did God Create Them Or Not?

I got to thinking one afternoon about the animal kingdom. It has been found that there are 1000+ different animal species that engage homosexually in some form. I happen to know that there are several species of animals that will mate for life with the same sex. Where did they learn that? What happened to them as baby animals? LOL! I know that it's not funny, but it kinda me at least.
Here is where my mind goes. If God created animals and us and everything...then God created animals to be without sin...Right? Do animals sin? I think not. Then, that means that animals that engage in homosexuality must be exempt from that rule. They must be the sinful ones because surely God the Almighty wouldn't create homosexuality, then who would Christians condemn ( I speak as a very Christian man here btw, I am EXTREMELY in love with Jesus Christ, He is my Lord and Savior)?
Look, if God created animals and animals know no sin, then whatever they do is right. they can't do wrong, because they don't know sin. So when an animal mates for life with the same sex animal, it is therefor sinless. Why? Because God created them to do exactly what they are doing, yup, that means be gay too. After all, what other explanation is there? Did they get diddled as baby animals, did their fathers leave them with abandonment issues? Did they not get enough mom attention? Did they watch to much television, did Satan get in their hearts too? What happened? The answer to me is obvious, God made them that way. Which is perfect.

My beloved peers, don't allow some flawed thinking from someone who needs someone to hate influence who and what you can and can't believe. God loves you and He created you just the way you are...He hasn't abandoned you and yeah, life has been doubt about it. I get it, this coming from a man in prison with a lifetime cap on my has been tough folks! However, that doesn't mean that we didn't have free will, God made that too, so that when we turn to Him it's because we really need Him and depend on Him. We are capable of some really bad stuff, I know. But we are capable of some really good stuff too. Don't forget that.

We are capable of love and unselfishness. We can dance and sing and watch tv, we can flirt and hold hands and write crappy poetry. We can blog idiotically (don't you dare say a word, LOL) we can laugh until we cry and we can cry because we loved. We can care when no one else does. We can help when no one else will, we can be a friend when there is none. That's God, that's the Messiah I know, that's who I have fallen in love with. I don't care what people think about that...So I believe in something I can't see...yeah well, some people think you can "cure" a genetic disposition, like homosexuality. Just as crazy.

there is a saying that is painted on the wall here in prison..."Don't tell me that the skies the limit when there are footprints on the moon" Words to live be I think.

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469 
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

Feel free to write anytime.

Friday, February 12, 2016


Self Reinvention: Don't Be Afraid To Try!

I was always afraid to reinvent myself. What would be the consequences of trying to be different than what I was at the time? What would others think? What if I made this big attempt and failed? What would happen then? Would people not take me seriously anymore if I tried and failed? What if I didn't do it fast enough?
These are all questions I asked myself and more whenever I thought about becoming the man that I wanted. Sometimes I was only held back because I had no idea how to become that man at all. I was so afraid of who I was that I wasn't about to change anything so long as I didn't have to do any real self-exploration. For me the ultimate failure was being a homosexual male. That was just me, my walk, my thoughts.
But, something happens when you think that all hope is gone and ending it all just didn't work. I remember when I tried to commit suicide before coming to prison. I knew I was going, and rightfully so and I had a plan. I took a medicine that when taken in high doses is lethal. I did my best to calculate how long I had before the antidote was ineffective and took it and waited. Somewhere in the mix I started drinking because...well, I'm dying so why not and I waited.
I was eventually taken to the hospital and they forced treatment after the doctor wised up to what was going on. I will spare you the details but I will tell you this, when I figured out that I was going to live and that they gave me the anecdote on time I was furious. Then that fury gave way to self-pity and self-pity gave way to me having the epiphany that I was going to have to face me. Whether I liked it or not. I was here and I couldn't go anywhere.
After a few months of recovery I figured that the whole world hated me, my family all but left and who could blame them? After all I was a monster, I deserved that and more. I just finally came to the point that I might as well be just viciously honest, I had nothing left to lose. Since I no one liked me and I felt like the most hated man on the planet I may as well just go ahead and put the real me out there. Because if your going to not like me, your going to not like the real me. That was my punishment to myself, that I was going to be hated for the man that I knew I was.
But this amazing thing happened in that process. This whole ugly mess I found me, I was able to find me and look at myself, I mean really look at myself. There was this fantastic liberation that took place in my life when I was able to be honest and look people in the eye and tell them cold truth. No matter how much it hurt me, at least now I knew that I didn't have to lie any more because they hate me any way. So they may as well hate the truth...
I was an ugly man and had lots of messes to clean up. I am not done yet either, I have three children that one day I am going to have to answer to, and they have every reason to be just livid with doubt about it. But until that day I know that I have this opportunity to become me, to reinvent myself as many times as I need to finally become good, in my eyes. Screw everyone else, I'm talking about being able to live with myself in harmony, that takes guts. That takes stamina.
I just want to encourage anyone out there who feels like the world is staring at them, anyone who has lied about everything and is trying to figure out how to balance themselves on those lies. That person who is behind them is not you, you are better then that. It is ok to find the qualities that you want in yourself and then implement them. Get around people who have them and start absorbing. Tell people what your doing and why, your testimony could be the difference in some one's may even make a friend or two...someone who likes the real you! What a concept! I don't mean that harshly, I mean that in all seriousness, I mean real acceptance, for you!

Reinvent as much as you can, don't be afraid to evolve into a better person.

Presidential Election: Who Do We Vote For?

I have been watching as much of the presidential debates and drama as I can. Which, to be honest, isn't very much. I am so bored with it because there is nobody who excites me. No one is motivating me. The closest I can muster to say is Trump.
Love him or hate him he is changing politics. This campaign may be hectic for all the presidential hopefuls but it's because Trump is poking the hornets nest and he is winning. He is using his fame and ability to read situations very skillfully and hopefully someone who can make a real difference is paying attention. I think this is the year that the younger generation is going to finally start paying attention to voting. Because of Trump. Trump has the ability to make voting necessary and cool. He doesn't have the skill set necessary to be the new Commander-In-Chief, but he has the ego necessary to do the job despite his lack of experience.
I don't know who should be president. I am neither Republican or Democrat. I don't really know what either of those mean anyway. I know that they have differences on how the country is ran and I don't fully agree with either of them. So on one hand I want Hillary Clinton, I think that she is designed for this. The woman has balls and she knows how to take a hit. After all shes been taking them since her husband was in office. Not only did she take the hit, but she did so with grace and ease. On the other hand, I would also like to see Trump in office. I know that he lacks political experience, but I also think that's why he may just be exactly what this country needs.
You can't deny that Trump knows how to handle money. He knows how to handle power. Like I said before, at least with Trump we know what his flaws are. We already know what his ulterior motives are. They are plain as day, not like his counter parts who are throwing out every explanation but the real one. I can't trust any of them because they are trained politicians, liars. We already know that Trump hasn't prevailed at everything he's done, his faults have been highly public. But doesn't that make him the most like us? Doesn't that make him the most "real". Who better to represent American society then someone who isn't perfect but is more than willing to get right back up and fight. Isn't that the old saying, it's not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get back up. We all fall, but who learns from their mistakes?
For the gay community I don't think that we have a Presidential hopeful right yet, but it's coming and when it doesn't it's going to bring a firestorm, but until then...who gets our vote?
I am very worried about Trumps foreign relations. How is he going to handle North Korea, or Russia? Or how about Iraq. Sure he's been in battle over finances, but he has never had to hold millions of peoples fates in his hands and make hard line decisions that will literally be life or death for millions....In his defense though, who does have that experience? Who is qualified to represent me and my best interest? Who is going to make a difference that effects our bottom line in America? What is our bottom line anyway?

I can't vote anyway, but my voice matters and I hope that all of you are interested in the elections...your voice matters and it should be heard no matter what. So pay attention, at least a little and make your vote matter.

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

or go to and use my DOC to find me, which is 823469 name Jeff Utnage
How Can You Help, Why Does This Blog Exist?

First of all, this blog is in existence because I need help. Not just me, all men and women who are in the LGBTQ community that are incarcerated. The issues that we face are real, they are dangerous and we get very little support. Once we come through these doors we are no longer people but items and objects.
We are caught in this weird chasm where we have no where to fit in. Most groups will form clicks and gangs and the state allows that, for whatever reason. But if two or more gays interact in Washington State...well that is not allowed unless we are directly being monitored and even that is intolerable. Our time is strange because most inmates hate us, most staff hates us and those that are indifferent are also indifferent to our mistreatment, content to allow us to be alone and isolated. So long as they get to be left alone. Staff seems to have the same division amongst themselves over us also.
I tried multiple attempts to get help, to create a support system where there was none. It was unbelievably hard to get anyone to listen. Those that did knew how hard it was going to be to convince those around them. I reached out to every single LGBTQ support group out there that I could find an address for and I got absolutely zero responses.

Do you have any idea what that does to a man to know that there is all kinds of support groups for homosexuals, there is a whole website dedicated to locating LGBTQ support groups in your city, I wrote every address I could think of to write on there and I got absolutely zero replies. I have written university's and celebrities, I have written politicians and there staff...I was completely and 100% ignored by everyone, absolutely everyone.

But that doesn't mean that the people around me don't deserve help. As LGBTQ men and women we can't abandon each other, and just because we are in prison that shouldn't mean that we are beyond help. We are the ones who need the help the most.

So this website was created for that purpose. To educate people that there is someone(s) who is willing to put in the effort and fight. I am fighting for my right to get help, my right to leave this place a better human being, my right to change into a good man...a man who deserves a second chance because I am NOT going to allow anyone to tell me otherwise. SO I am fighting and I am fighting with everything I got. Nothing is being left on the table.

I don't know how to blog or catch thousands or millions of peoples attention, but I do know what is going on right here in this place, with my people, with these men who are begging for someone to help them, and that someone is me, because they deserve it...

How can you help? First and foremost, taking interest helps, sharing your stories helps, contacting us helps. We need books, letters, we need community volunteers and organizers. We need people who can help us organize volunteer based programs that cost the state no money but are highly effective tools of self-expression and rehabilitation, things like performing arts programs...costs nothing but allow freedom of expression and rehabilitation and has for thousands of years.

We need your contact, in whatever language in whatever are necessary and wanted. thanks for listening and I hope to hear from you soon.

Your Brother In Chains

Jeff Utnage 823469
stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Abereen, WA 98520

or use DOC 823469

Thursday, February 11, 2016


Prison Hate Being Fueled By Staff: Do They Even Realize It?

I don't hear it with my own two ears very often, but when I do it's because some inmate wants to make a statement to those around him in ear shot. It's when a hate filled man, specifically an inmate, goads a staff member to agree with him publicly about hating a whole group of people.
This is unfortunate because what has just taken place is now that particular staff member is now "aligned" with that person's prison gang mentality. This is a real problem because now if something happens and someone needs help and the only option is to go to said staff can they be trusted? The reality is now they can't, they've been compromised.
Why should the public care? Well, because the people that DOC employees are paid to do a job. Their union ensures that DOC staff is paid accordingly to 1) keep us in prison and 2) do so by keeping us safe. If a prison gang or people who have prison gang mentalities are getting certain staff members to agree with their mentality then what is happening is now their view point is validated by someone who is "responsible". That is a real problem folks because now when that individual gets out, guess what mindset he's getting out with? Yup, the one that was validated. 
This idea that it's ok to hate people based on charges or sexuality or race is flawed. However, it's the "norm" in prison and has come to be acceptable behavior. One that is endorsed by staff who are afraid to take stands. If the idea of a corrective state is to correct deviant behavior, then I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you that hatred of a particular grouping of people is deviancy at it's finest. 
Yesterday an inmate walks up to a guard and starts complaining about having to sit with "weirdos" at chow line: "those f*****g weirdos will sit a table all by themselves instead of sitting together and then when us solid dudes come in we have to sit with them or tray up and miss our meal, that's not right is it c/o?" then the c/o promptly agreed with him as the inmate looked around at the hundred or so people that surrounded him listening and he nodded triumphantly. We all knew right then and there what had just taken place. It was subtle at first but made a giant statement. That c/o was now aligned with that guys views and now he's validated.
What that guy fails to realize is that they don't want to sit with him because he's negative and will go nowhere in life. He has no goals and no aspirations to do anything but complain about the world around him. He sits on his duff all day and lifts weights thinking that he is better then those people of those people and that their the reason he has nothing, when in reality it's because he's lazy and is unwilling to be accountable to himself.
So when he gets out that same mentality is being forced on the public once again. What that staff member should have done is tell him to get over himself and publicly disagree with him. Then that behavior would have been challenged and perhaps even changed a little. Yes I know that it's true that evil cannot be eradicated from the earth yet, but it can be subdued and challenged. You have a choice to stand up against it. You don't have to accept it. I wish that said staff member would have grown a pair and stood his ground. That would have at least aligned him with staff instead of prison gangs...

But this is life people, we don't always get to be around the best and we don't always get that Utopian atmosphere in which we hope for. This is reality and reality is where we live. The only way to change the atmosphere around you is to change yourself and stand your ground for what is right. Stick with moral principles, I know that I am trying finally.

with love,

Jeff Utnage

I haven't had much good news in a while so today in the inmate mail system I got a response to a kite I sent to our new Associate Superintendent. 

I was requesting an audience to discuss the progress of my LGBTQ group proposal. The reply I got was one that was in favor of the group happening! It wasn't an "ok it's gonna happen" but it's the next best thing, it's another person who at the very least supports the idea that as LGBTQ community members we need to support each other in this place.

Just wanted to update that to everyone who is in my life. Today was a big success! Keep us in your prayers and thoughts!

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469
Beyonce At The Superbowl:

I heard on the news that ole' Rudy Guliani got all butt hurt over Beyonce's performance. Apparently he was offended or something at her lyrics and the fact that her back up dancers resembled Black Panthers. Her lyrics, btw, spoke of her physical appearance and her parents birthing locals. Nothing too seedy there.
I just honestly can't believe that she is coming under fire for this at all. The woman is proud to be black, as well she should be. She is beautiful inside and out there is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are. No one should have anything to say about her expressing her pride. 
I know that she is beautiful and unaplogetically black, and it shouldn't be any other way. Like me, I am gay and I won't apologize for being gay. Not to anyone. 
I like men and I like to have sex with other men. I won't apologize for it and and I'm proud of the fact that I was born different than most. That to me is a wonderful thing that should be celebrated and she should be singing about it. For the whole world to hear. As far as the Black Panther wardrobes, you go gurl! Even though I am white and from Nebraska originally, that doesn't mean I am not educated enough to know that the Black Panthers were key to moving african americans into modern equality and anyone who is offended at their presence is simply most bigots.

I am sorry to say that ole' Rudy's panties may be in a bunch, but honestly it seems as though this is a sad man pining for the attention of many. Sorry pal, get off her, if you want attention go streaking or something. Beyonce is timeless and she is a mentor and role model for women everywhere of every color and age and for anyone to try and bring her down for showing pride in who she is, the things that make her Beyonce, the things that make her different and instead of being ashamed of her genetic differences she is celebrating them.

Who in the world, in their right mind, would ever want to stop that? 

Be proud of the things that make you, you. Don't ever apologize for them to anyone for any reason, you owe nobody no explanation for why you are you. So be proud, if your black or hispanic or asian or gay or bi or transgendered or whatever you are be proud and fly your flag high for all to see, don't take it down for anyone for any reason.

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

feel free to write anytime, will respond to all