Saturday, January 16, 2016

Dreams, I Hate Them Sometimes:

Last year a friend of mine cut himself several times across the arm. He had been feeling depressed and stressed out for some time and in the long run he is ok, physically. However, emotionally he was in turmoil and that is where my concerned was/is. he ended up being sent to a facility where he could receive the best treatment this place can offer. I can only hope that DOC is holding up to that assumption.
I think about him often. He represents my most recent failure. Where I dropped the ball, how I let down my community and friends and how helpless I was. He represents my drive as well.
Last night I had a dream about him. Typically I don't repeat dreams, they sometimes get me emotional because I get nightmares and might terrors. I sometimes wake up screaming and often wake myself up in some sort of exchange of words. With something off in my memory. So I don't read to far into them, because I know that its an emotional baggage problem and not much more.
In my dream he was healthy, but very skinny ( he was a frail man, always very thin as far as I knew. Somehow, someway I ended up in the same cell as him and it was by surprise. I was exstatic. I was so happy to see him again. I felt that I had a shot at redemption, a shot at being the friend I should have been back then.
After he was discovered in his cell in a pool of his own blood, I felt betrayed by DOC. I felt that this place let him down. He needed help, his mental health record proved that. But they were all-to-happy to just let him go on by himself and instead of being preemptive, they were reactionary. Which, thankfully, didn't cost him his life. But it very well could have.
This dream was a reminder of what I am fighting for. Why I am being patient and not reacting adversely to harsh situations and peoples judgements. Because men here are hurting. Some of them badly. I can't help the all, or maybe even any of them. But I know what it's like to feel alone. Uncared for and isolated. Like...you're the only one in the world who did some awful thing and now...no one will ever love you again.
I don't think anyone should feel like that. God in heaven let me know in no uncertain terms that I was loved and thought of by Him. Now it's my job, my duty to love those around me. Because Christ first loved me, when I was at my absolute worst. When I was unlovable. He loved me anyway. Never left my side and even when I hated Him, he still loved me. I could be so lucky to return the favor to as many people as will let me and i aim to do just that, I really don't care what the outcome is. Hopefully along the way I can make a friend or two. If not, oh well, I still got God.

With Love, feel free to comment, share or write me directly.

Also, I have a friend who blogs as well.
check him out at www.jonathankeenengordan.com

you can write me at
Jeff Utnage 823469
h3-a-20-u
stafford creek correction center
191 constantine way
aberdeen, wa 98520

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