Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I remember when I was a free man I went to a bar with my now ex-wife. We went there and met this couple, the husband seemed to be a very happy man who was content to simply follow his wife's lead. While the wife was a dominant personality, she was boisterous and funny and very outgoing. But she wasn't pushy, she was very opinionated and sure of herself.

While we were drinking and making small talk she asked me to describe me. I wasnt real sure what to say, I didn't have a clue. I went with the usual "i'm a redneck from Nebraska". What she said next surprised me she said "bullshit" simply and frankly. I looked at her husband and raised an eyebrow and smiled. He sheepishly looked down and finished his beer.

I wasn't real sure how to take it. Inside I was fuming, but deeper still, I admired her and wanted to shout out that she was right. I was unhappy and I hated the traditional sense of masculinity. Instead, I looked down at me bib overalls, my dirty work boots and my thick hands and laughed at her. She smiled back and said "your probably gay" she said it so matter of factly, so sure of herself. She went on to tell me that she was so sure of her assesment that she new for a fact that I wasn't happy being the man I was.

She stirred up some real emotion in me that night. I ended up breaking my car window out just to assert to myself that I was a man and not some silly fag pretending to play house.

How far i've come since that night. What I appreciate about that memory is that there was at least one person in this world that wanted to know who I was really. She was relentless in wanting to know who I was and no answer I was giving her was good enough. Mainly I believe that she sensed a big insecurity in me and wanted to root it out. Who knows, but I haven't forgotten her since.

Maybe she was just simply drunk and abrasive, maybe she was a vessel God took over for a few hours to try and talk some sense into me before I got drastic or maybe I got drunk and dreamt the whole thing (although, my window was in fact broken and I did meet them in the following weeks...so there! I'm not that nuts! LOL!) regardless, when I meet people I do something similar. 

I want to know the real person, the person you were intended to be. Driven, sincere, nice, honest and sure of yourself. That's the people I want around me, people who are demanding of the truth in all it's beautiful forms.

I am a man who once was dead and useless, until I wasn't. I love my LGBTQ family, and I know that one day you will all love me too.


With Love,

Your Brother in Chains
Jeff Utnage 

Feel free to write me at 

Jeff Utnage 823469
H3-A-20-U
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

Or

You can write me by finding my name and DOC# on jpay.com add yourself to my contact list and i'll write you.

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